Dustin Kaehr

The Mother Wound - Podcast

2012-02-07T13:05:00.003-05:00

I had the opportunity to sit down with Andy and Cory this past week and discuss The Mother Wound. You check their Podcast at the link below.

Thanks to Andy and Cory for allowing me to sit and chat with you!

They have a really good podcast (betterdadpodcast.com) and if you aren't listening to it regularly, you should be.

Here's the link to our discussion: Becoming a Better Dad Podcast: The Mother Wound

Previewing Nehemiah

2012-01-21T13:16:00.001-05:00

I am beginning a study of the book of Nehemiah. It is a great Old Testament book that is full of lessons in leadership.

I'm sure I'll write more posts on the book later, but after reading through it a couple of times this week, I want to share two verses that jump out at me:

Nehemiah 4:14
When I saw their fear, I rose and spoke to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people: “Do not be afraid of them; remember the Lord who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your houses.”

Are you fighting for your family? As men, it becomes very easy to be tough on our family, when in reality, we need to be tough for our family! Do not be afraid to take up arms for the sake and well being of your family. After all, I firmly believe we will be held accountable for how well we lead our family!

Nehemiah 6:3
So I sent messengers to them, saying, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?”

Remember...you are doing a great work in your life. Do not let things that do not matter become a distraction. There are so many things that distract us, get us off our wall, and slow or stop our great work!

Look at your wife and kids and say, "I am doing a great work here and I cannot come off this wall!"

What's pulling you off your wall of great work? Your job? Your buddies? Your computer? Facebook? Your hobbies?

None of those things are necessarily bad, but when they take priority over your kids, your wife, or whatever God has called you to...they've pulled you off the wall and your great work has stopped!

So, don't be afraid to say, "I'm doing a great work here, and I'm not coming off this wall! Sorry I can't ______________________________."

There will be lots more coming from Nehemiah, but these two verses need to be ones you post on your mirror and look at everyday!

Reaching Back. Looking Forward.

2012-01-14T15:08:00.004-05:00

This week I was given something very special.

It was my Grandpa Kaehr's Bible. It was something I always looked at when I would visit my Grandma and was something I always wanted to have. Well, as my Grandma is getting ready to move into assisted living, my Aunt let me know that I could have the Bible.

It really is something special. I love looking through and seeing his pen marks, his hand writing, his folds in the pages. While Grandpa has been gone for 16 years this past August, it was like he was sitting right next to me. (It is the same feeling I get when I look through my Dad's Bible.) I was 18 when he passed away and I think about him often...even more so these last two years since my dad died. My Grandpa was a great man of Faith and I have no doubt he was standing there waiting to welcome his son home a couple of years ago.

Looking through Grandpa's Bible, it was obvious he spent a lot of time reading and studying the Word. He was pressing it, searching it, praying over it, and working to apply it in his life. What a great legacy to have, look at, and share with my family! Being able to look through his Bible and my dad's Bible is a great reminder of where I came from and the heritage I have the responsibility to pass forward.

Then I went and looked at my Bible, and thought about someday passing it down to my boys (along with my dad's and Grandpa's). I want my boys to look at my Bible and know how much time I spent reading it. I want them to know I not only acted like a Christian, but I spent time studying my Savior's Word and was working out my salvation by digging into the Word to apply to my life.

Heritage is an important thing. The heritage of this family is something I am building on everyday. Even more of a blessing is I am building on the foundation my Grandpa and dad.

What kind of heritage are you building? When you reach back into your past, you may not have a great foundation. You may not have generations of Godly men or even good examples of decent people. But, that doesn't mean you can't have something better to pass forward.

YOU can be a the new foundation your children and your grand children build on. So, get after it!

Time for Questions

2011-11-18T14:38:00.001-05:00

How can I get my husband to talk to me more?
Why do my boys always want to wrestle?
Why doesn't my wife understand I need time away with my buddies?
How do I teach my boys about manhood?

If you have any questions about your husband, your wife, your kids, or anything else take a minute and email them to me! I hope to have a montly post with some of the best questions of the month!

You can email me at: askdustink@gmail.com.

Do You See the Warrior?

2011-11-16T08:37:00.001-05:00

Sorry, folks...I know it has been too long since I have posted. No real valid excuses other then lack of dedication to writing, but it's something I hope to get back to. With that in mind, if you have ideas you'd like to me to write about or questions, please email them to me! I'd love some ideas to get back into writing more!

Until then, I came across this post from The M.O.B (Mother's of Boys) Society. It rings so true for boys and food for thought if you are the mother or father of boys.

Do You See the Warrior?

While at the site, you can sign up for their daily email. It's usually a great daily read...even for F.O.B.'s (Father's of Boys).

Past. Present. Future.

2011-09-29T23:37:00.000-04:00

Bear with me. I thought I'd try to create a video blog. It's the first one, so I hope they'll get better the more of them I do.

If you have an interest in "The Great Adventure" visit River Oaks' website to sign up.

We are offering the class on Tuesday nights (7-8:30pm) or Saturday mornings (6:30-8am). Classes start next week.

Seeing the movie COURAGEOUS won't make you a better father

2011-09-15T22:00:00.001-04:00

It won't make you a better husband.
It won't make you a better friend.

How do I know?

Tell me...when was the last time you watched a movie and it absolutely changed your life? Not just inspired you for a short period of time, but changed your life from that day forward?

Exactly.

Now, I haven't seen the movie and I'm sure as movies go, it will be good. This is from the same group that did Facing the Giants and it was a good movie, with a great message, and 1,000's of men went to see it.

Here is my problem: Many men will go, see the movie, feel convicted by it...and 6 weeks later won't be able to tell much about it. There won't be any real change. Men will go to make their wives "feel like he's trying". Wives will think he "really cares" because he went to the movie.

Becoming a father that is engaged with your kids doesn't happen because you watch a movie

Fighting to save your marriage can't happen because you read a book.

Becoming a husband that is leading your family and loving your wife can't happen because you attended a class.

If you want those things in your life, you have to do something! You have to physically do something different then you were doing before. Alcoholics that want to stop drinking can't just go to AA meetings. They need to quit buying alcohol, going to bars, and stop lifting the bottle to their lips!

See the difference? Lots of men will go see the movie, but when it's all said and done, they go right back to the bar and there is no change. (FYI...this problem isn't just with men, I think this a problem with a lot of people who claim to be Christians. They accepted Jesus as their saviour, but there is no real change. Jesus says he will cut down the trees that aren't producing fruit and throw them into the fire.)

Now, seeing the movie or going to a class like Men's Fraternity is a good place to start because it should wake you up to some things that need to change. But, just seeing the movie doesn't do anything for you.

So, go see the movie. The church I go to (River Oaks) is holding a small group discussion starting October 9th. You can visit riveroaks.org to learn more.

So, join Men's Fraternity. I am starting to teach The Great Adventure beginning October 4th (7:00 PM) or October 8th (6:30 AM). You can contact me or visit riveroaks.org to learn more.

But, remember...you have to want the change. Seeing the movie (or going to a class) won't make it happen. Only YOU can. Like the line in the song below says, we need watchers to become warriors.

Guys vs Men

2011-09-06T21:31:00.003-04:00

Mark Driscoll uses a quote I like very much (and have used since hearing it):

'Guys' are nothing more than 'Boys' who can shave.

I like it because it gets right to this issue of boys never growing up and becoming men. So, let me give you 5 quick differences between 'Guys' and 'Men'. Then you can see which you are (or which you married):

Guys think it's all about them.
Men know that it's about everyone but them. They give of their time, energy, and money to put their family first in all things, all the time.

Guys have lots of buddies.
Men have group of friends they can lean on when they are down...and that can hold them down when they begin to stray. Friends that aren't afraid to speak truth to them, even if it hurts.

Guys like the idea of their wife working instead of staying home with the kids.
Men realize they need to work hard to provide for their family and asking their wife to work more so they can continue a certain lifestyle instead of making tough budget decisions makes them "worse than an unbeliever" and someone who has "denied their faith".

Guys think things are fine and they don't need a class or men's retreat.
Men realize there is such a better life out there for them in their marriage, with their kids, and with other men. So, they look for opportunities to connect with other men and learn how to interact with family and friends deeper.

Guys are tough on their family.
Men are tough for their family. They fight for the family. They get off their butts and step in front to lead their family....not walk beside their wife, but walk in front of them. They become a pastor to their kids and model Christ. They lead their wife closer to Christ. They deal with a mom, dad, or in-law that has too much influence on their marriage. They take full responsibility for everything to do with their family.

If you are curious about any of these points, I encourage you to go back read some my earlier posts from the last couple of months...as I dive into a lot of these issues.

Plus, if you are a guy (or man) and are looking for an opportunity to grow in your faith and pick up some skills to be a better leader, husband, or father, I want to encourage you to attend The Weekend, September 16-17, 2011 at Life Action Camp (Buchanan, MI). It is hosted by River Oaks Community Church and you can visit their website to sign up. The deadline for sign-up is Sunday. I challenge you to sign up and get a 3 or 4 of your friends to sign up too...it will be worth the effort.

If you have questions about The Weekend, you can email me, call me, or leave a comment here (or on Facebook) and I will get back to you.

Help...I'm a passive husband!

2011-09-04T22:14:00.000-04:00

This post compliments Help...I married a passive husband from a few days ago.

Passivity is something that almost every man deals with.
Passivity is something that can ruin a marriage.
Passivity is something that can drive kids away from their dad.

If you don't think passivity is a problem, look at how many "men" with big boy jobs and responsibilities spend more time in a week playing video games, drinking with buddies, and stressing over their fantasy football team than they do playing an active role in their homes.

Oh, and don't confuse intensity with true leadership. There are lots of guys who get fired up at their family. They blow up at their kids but say, "Well it's because I love them so much". They are unloving to their wife and say, "She just doesn't understand the pressure I'm under as a man." Remember, men are suppose to be tough for their family...not tough on them!

So, whether you recognize this passivity or not, I want to give you some suggestions on how to overcome it...and if you are wondering if you are passive in your home or not and don't know...ask your wife, she'll tell you.

Pray
We are called to love our wives like Christ loves the church. The problem is, without Christ in our life we have no ability to live up to that standard. We cannot do it alone...no matter how hard we try or even want to.

You have to commit you efforts to Christ in prayer everyday. Be intentional about taking time to pray for your role as leader.

Clarity in Expectations
I mentioned this same point when I wrote to the women earlier this week. You need to know exactly what you are called to do. Do you have clarity in what is expected of you? Have you ever said or thought (about your wife), "I just don't know what she wants from me?"

Do you know your wife's top needs and how to meet them?
Do you know your wife's love language and how to speak to it?
Do you know your kid's personality and how best to interact with them?

If not, if you don't answer those questions with an absolute "yes", then you aren't really sure how you are to meet the expectations you have.

Kill the boy
Earlier in the year, I wrote about guys needing to step up in their relationships with their wives. Here is an excerpt:

There is only so much a wife can do to support, love, and encourage her husband to be an Authentic Man. The breakthrough will only happen when the man decides it's time. The phrase I have used through Men's Fraternity is, "The boy in you must die."

As a man, you have decide you are going to put the scared little boy in you to death and deal with the grown up issues facing you. You do it everyday at work, but when it comes to your home, you wilt. Until the boy in you dies...as he relates to his wife, the relationship with his mom and dad, his kids, etc, you will always feel like your life isn't all it should be.

You must kill the boy inside you and recognize it's time to grow up.

Remember she is your wife
She is not your mother. The passivity in the majority of men comes from an unhealthy relationship with their mom that's never been broken in a healthy way.

All you did when you married was unplugged your emotional umbilical cord from your strong-willed mom and plugged it into your wife. As a passive husband, you have to stop looking at your wife as your mom. In most cases, this means you will have to go back and actually have a break from your mom. Odds are she is still playing a role in your life (as a grown man) that she has no business playing...but you don't have the ability to stand up for yourself. If you don't think your mom interferes, then ask your wife.

Now, this break needs to be handled correctly (and in love) or it can cause lots of pain for you and your mom. You need to decide you are ready to be your own man, responsible for your own life, and responsible for your marriage and your kids.

There is so much to say about this topic, but I could never write about all of it here. If you really want some more help in this area find a Men's Fraternity in your area and get involved. If you are a guy that's been in class with me or are in my area you can email me and I'd be happy to talk more.
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So, if you are a passive husband:
1. Pray
2. Clarity in Expectations
3. Kill the boy
4. Remember she is your wife

Help...I have a passive husband!

2011-08-31T23:19:00.001-04:00

One of the most common complaints I get from women when I speak to them about men's issues is this problem of a passive husband. He's loving, caring, provide for his family, but he's just passive.

It's a husband who isn't leading his family. He's leaving his wife to do his job and it is wearing on her and their marriage. The problem is most women do not see their husband's passivity when they are dating or first married. It looks like "sensitivity", right?

"Oh, he always lets me pick what we do!"
"He is so sweet, he gives me whatever I want!"

The problem is after being a married awhile, they are looking for him to stand up, step up, and lead...and he is too passive to do it. I will talk about why he is that way and what he can do it about in a post later this week, but for now, here are four suggestions for you if you have married a passive husband:

Pray
If you ask Amber, she will tell you she prayed for almost 7 years that I would step up and take my rightful leadership role in marriage and specifically related to our finances. You need to be praying your husband feels and responds to the call of leadership.

The book, The Power of a Praying Wife would be a good read if you need some help in this area.

Clarity in Expectations
My boss uses this statement all the time. There needs to be clarity in the expectations you have for your husband. If he does not know what you need / expect from him, there is no way he will ever know and more importantly meet them. Yes, some of those expectations wouldn't need expressed if he just did his part, but if you have never verbalized to him what you need from him, how does he know?

Do not be afraid to tell him what you need him to do for you. If need be, make him a list of things. Remember, disappointment comes when expectations are not met. If those expectations are never expressed, there will always be disappointment.

Bring in Support
Sometimes asking nicely just isn't going to be enough. There may be times when you have to ramp up the intensity of your pleas and how you talk to him. Hearing a new sense of urgency in your voice should be a clue to him that he needs to do something different. (But, don't be surprised if speaking "words of death" won't work. I will tell you why when I talk to the guys, but I will give you a hint: It has to do with your mother-in-law).

So, what you really need is someone else to come in and call him out and up to greater things. Hopefully, your husband has a good friend or two you can reach out to. Men can say things to other men in a way that only they can get away with. Your husband needs some men in his life like that. If he doesn't have, then you need to encourage him to get involved in a men's group. Do not be afraid to call him out in front of his close guy-friends. My best friend's wife will call every now and then and say, "Hey, here's what my hubby is doing and I need your help!"

If they have the kind of relationship they should (See: A man must...lean on others), then these other men can get him in shape.

Hupotasso
It's a Greek word pronounced hoop-ot-as'-so. Here is the definition:

A Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In a non-military use, it is a "voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden."

Now, ladies let me ask you a question. When you read that definition, and those words in bold jump out, do you think of the word "submission"? Well, Hupotasso is the Greek word that is translated "submit" or "be subject to" in the Bible.

The problem is, in today's feminized society the word submission has so many negative things attached to it that when women hear that word, they dig in and think "...over my dead body!"

Here's my point about submission as it relates to a passive husband. If you want to him to step up and lead more then you may need to step down some and not do things that you know he should be doing. Yes, that may mean some things don't get done. Yes, that may mean that you and/or the rest of your family suffer some because of his lack of leadership. But, if you are going to keep doing his job, why would you expect him to step up and take it over. Put some of that burden (his burden) that you have been carrying around down and wait for him to pick it up!

Some of you are still seeing red thinking about Hupotasso, so let me give you three quick reminders about submission:
1. Submission does not mean you are a "yes" person.
You don't just go along with whatever he wants. He should be giving you honor and praise (1 Peter 3:7) and you should have a say in the direction the family is headed.

2. Submission is never, never, never for a husband's to demand.
If your husband has ever said (or thought) that things would be better if you just submitted more....then he's a complete jackass and doesn't have a clue. He will have to answer to God for how well he did his role in the marriage, (which is to provide you honor and praise) not how well he made you do your role!

3. Submission does not mean you go against God's Word.
Colossians 3:18 says, Wives, be subject [hupotasso] to your husbands as is fitting to the Lord. If you husband is doing something or leading the family down a path that you know is against the Word of God, you need to stand up and say something.

Please don't get so wrapped up in all the cultural baggage that comes with this word, you miss the point of why this is important if your husband is passive: If you want to him to step up and lead more then you may need to step down some and not do things that you know he should be doing.
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So, if your husband is passive:
1. Pray
2. Clarity in Expectations
3. Bring in Support
4. Hupotasso

In the next few days, I will get a post up for husbands called, Help...I'm a passive husband.

You may have to read it to him.

A man must...

2011-08-25T07:52:00.001-04:00

...love like crazy.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25, 28

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Love like crazy. Obvious right?

So obvious that most men screw this up more than anything else. Paul tells us what to do (love...just as Christ loved...) and because he knows we aren't real bright he tells us how (Christ...gave himself up for her...love their wives as their own bodies).

We all know that Jesus Christ died for His Church. He completely laid down His own body for His bride. That's our example. But, I don't think that just means we are to be willing to die for our wife. Sure, I'd take a bullet for Amber, but "giving myself up" is more than that.

It's letting go of my needs and wants and putting her first. It's realizing that everything she wants and needs is more important than anything I want or need.

Most men would say, "Sure. Of course I love my wife." The problem? They don't have a clue what it really means to love. Well...maybe they do, but only because the love themselves more than anyone else in the world.

Let me remind you what love is and see if you really love your wife:

Love is patient. Not sometimes. Not when I know I'm going to get what I want. Not when I want to. Love is patient. All. The. Time. Girls, if you have a boyfriend that is trying to get up your shirt, down your pants, or trying to get you to do something you don't want to and his reason for doing it, "But, baby...I love you", he's a liar. Love is patient. If he loves you he will wait for you.

Love is kind. All the time. "I get so angry and blow up because I love you sweetie. I'm sorry I hit you. I'm sorry I punched the wall and knocked the table over." No, you don't love her...because love is kind.

Love does not seek its own. Re-read Ephesians 5:25. You first. Me second.

Love does not take into account wrongs suffered.

Love does not brag.

Love is not jealous. I'm not going to get upset when you want to go out with your girlfriends. I'm not going to lose my mind when you want to spend $100 on something you want because I wanted to use that money for me.

OK, that enough of defining love. That's not the entire list by the way. (If you want the whole list just to see what else you aren't doing to love your wife right, you can go read the entire passage of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.)

But, do you see what I mean? To really love your wife is hard work! That's why you have to love her like crazy. So, how do you do that? Let me give you 3 tips:

1. Her First. In all things you do related to your wife, put her in front of you. Ask yourself, "Is this going to help her, be of value to her, honor her, make her feel better?" If not, you really need to check yourself as to why you are doing it.

2. Be Intentional. This whole "love" thing has to be top of mind. Every minute of every hour of every day. You need to be intentionally thinking about how you can show your wife love.

3. Be Wrong. When you screw up and don't love your wife how you know you should, be the one to say "sorry". Always be the one to say "sorry" first. Always. Humble yourself enough to get in front of your wife, on your knees, and ask for her forgiveness for the way you hurt her and treated her. Then, go up and re-read #1 and #2 to so you can keep getting better.

Love like crazy. It's not about warm fuzzies. It's not about how much sex you get. It's not about how much fun you have together. It's about putting her first and lifting her up to the position of honor she deserves.

A man must...
1. ...learn to work.
2. ...lean on others.
3. ...look to lead.
4. ...love like crazy.
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I hope there has been something over these last four posts you find helpful. I have been writing these posts from the bottom of my heart because they are things I struggle with daily. As men, these are the things we must face head on. They will not go away. I pray you step up and take on the challenge of being a better husband, father, and man.

Just realize there are somethings you must do. So time to stop being lazy or complaining about it. Put on your big boy pants and do it. You may not always do it right, but at least try! Making an effort to be a better man will put you ahead of most men in the world.

As Red Green says, "I'm pulling for ya'. We're all in this together."

dk

A man must...

2011-08-24T09:00:00.003-04:00

...look to lead.

I am not sure there is any argument that as men we are called to lead their family. We are suppose to lead our family following Christ's example and be servant-leaders (John 13:4-5).

Christ didn't use his position to grab more power, He didn't use it to get whatever He wanted. He didn't use it to to do whatever He wanted. He used his position to serve. He used his position to love.

I think we all know that. The hard part is to do it.

Actually....forget I said that. Doing that is easy because we know we are suppose to and, for the most part, we know how to lead our wife and family:

**Reject the passivity to stand aside while your wife runs the family.

**Look for opportunities to teach / guide your family in spiritual matters....remember you are the pastor of your family! (If you have never thought of yourself as a "pastor", you should. You are the pastor and your "flock" is your family!)

**Be a father that guides and protects your kids.

**Be the husband that serves his wife.

OK, doing that isn't necessarily the hard part. The hard part?

Leading them everyday.

Listen to me. Being the leader of your home is something you must decide to do and be every day, every hour, every minute. No matter how wonderful your relationship with your kids or how great things are going with your wife. How do I know? Because I struggle with this ALL the time and I know what it does to my family and and my relationship with Amber.

Ugh. I re-read that last sentence and I don't think I've ever written anything more to/for/about me ever. I struggle with this area so much. It is so easy to forget my job when things are going well. I get lazy. I get comfortable. I get complacent. I slip back into the routine of my old self. I get too wrapped up in my own needs and wants. I forget my job.

When that happens, I stop loving Amber as a servant-leader. She is left to carry more a burden then she is required. She is required to do more for the family than she is suppose to. She is doing my job, because I am too busy focusing on something else.

Passivity. Damn passivity.

It is the creeper in the life of most men that will undercut all we try to do. It's the creeper in my life that can take my great relationship with Amber and ruin it. And what really sucks?

It's my fault. I hate what it does to our relationship. I know it is a weakness of mine. But I still let it happen.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13

I need to memorize that and apply it to my passivity. Maybe I need to tattoo it on my forehead.

Men....you have to look to lead. Not once. Not just for a short period of time. Not just when your wife really needs you to "help". Not just want hope to get her in bed. Everyday. All day.

A man must...
1. ...learn to work.
2. ...lean on others.
3. ...look to lead.
4.

A man must...

2011-08-23T09:00:00.002-04:00

...lean on others.

Guys have buddies they can call when they want to hang out, have a few beers, or complain about their life.
Real men have friends to help them get through life, give them counsel, and keep them on track.

Too many guys in American have no real "friends". We have a lot of buddies, but no friends. I wrote about this earlier this year when I talked about The four people every man should know.

To be the man God has called you to be in today's world, you need other real men who are on the journey with you. Men who you lean on when you can't stand under the pressure. Men who will tell you about your blind spots and help you overcome them.

The problem is too many guys use their wife, girlfriend, substitute mom, or real mom to do this. They don't have the guts to stand on their own, step into a community of men, and say "I need help."

All throughout the Bible, we see great, Godly men (who are fully living inside the will of God) have someone by their side.

Moses had Aaron
David had Jonathon
Peter had John
Paul had Barnabas, Silas, Luke, and Timothy (all at different times in his ministry)

Jesus even had a close circle of men he leaned on. More than just the Twelve, Jesus had his "inner circle" of Peter, James, and John. We see Him leaning on these men when His heart is heavy in Mark 14:32-34.

If Jesus Christ leaned on few men close to Him, what makes you think you can do life without men like that?

I think there are 3 important things to pull from the passage in Mark about having men in your life to lean on:

1. Have men in your life to lean on. Simple enough, right. You need 2 or 3 men who are closer than a brother to you. They need full access to you, your thoughts, your heart, your desires, your struggles, etc. You need these kind of men. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

Notice it does not say:
...so your mom sharpens you
...so your wife sharpens you
...so you can sharpen yourself

You need other men in your life.

2. Lean...don't let them do it for you. Jesus didn't ask the men in life to take away his burden. He didn't ask them to do it for Him. He wanted them near to keep watch and pray with Him.

Do not give in to the passivity within and look for a scape goat. Jesus was a man and took his responsibility, no matter how heart wrenching. You do the same.

3. Be friend worthy. A lot of guys do not have close friends because they are not friend-worthy themselves. You have to be the kind of person people want to be friends with.

Be loyal...don't just hang out with a guy because his life is going well and dump him when he is no use to you.
Be honest...don't be afraid to open up with guys and share your struggles.

If you look over your address book and do not see a group of men that make up your own "inner circle", odds are you are not real friend worthy.

I'm not sure how many times or different ways I can say this, but you will never reach the full heights of what God has called you to be as a man if you do not have other men to lean on in life.

A man must...
1. ...learn to work.
2. ...lean on others.
3.
4.

A man must...

2011-08-22T09:07:00.000-04:00

As I have taught guys, talked with them, and observed them (and seen in my own life), I believe there are some "Must" for a guy to be the kind of husband, father, friend, and man that God has called me to be. Here's the thing, I think that calling is same for every man.

Married. Single.Kids. No Kids. A Christian. Non-believer.

It does not matter. The creator of the World (and you) has given you a very important role to play...that of a man. If you are not in a personal relationship with Jesus, this calling is even harder to grasp and fulfill. In fact, without Him, you can never fully be what God has called you to. You will always come up short.

So, today and for the next three days, I am going to explore four "Musts" for a man. Why I think they are important and more critically, why God thinks they are important, and why you can never be all He called you to be without him. So, here's the first one!

A man must...

------------------------------------------------

...learn to work.

Men, you have to work and provide for your family. Have you ever read 1 Timothy 5:8?

Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

That seems pretty straight forward. Provide for your yourself (and family if you have one) or you are denying your faith (read "Jesus") and doing something that is worse than anything an unbeliever is doing.

This means you should get up every day, leave the cave, kill, and drag it back so you can eat.

At the highest level it's pretty simple:

Get off your butt, get out of your mom's basement, get a job, and start taking care of your basic needs: Food, Shelter, and Clothing.

But, I think it goes deeper than that. It especially goes deeper than that if you are married and have children. You need to provide so they can survive, but I think you also need to provide so your wife can be all God called her to be! I have no issues with women who work outside of the home because they want to, feel God has called them to, you are looking for work because you were let go, or in extreme cases cannot work. But, I believe God has called women, especially those with young kids at home, be there for their kids (Titus 2:5, Proverbs 31:15, 21-22) and take care of their family at home.

Here is where there is an issue: When your wife works so you can afford your mortgage payment or pay the house off sooner. When your wife works so you can stay in your golf league. When your wife works so you can eat out more. When your wife works so you can afford that new car. When your wife works because you want to retire early.

Amber and I were on a walk the other night and we were talking, and the question came up, "How come we can't...." and we mentioned something we'd like to do but can't afford to. The response? "We can. Amber, you work 40 hours a week and think about all the things we could do with an extra $50,000 a year."

Amber is a very talented dietitian. She has a Master's degree from Ball State in Wellness Management. She could be working and making good money, love her job, and impact a lot of people. We could go on better trips, buy nicer things, and live in a bigger house. But, there is no place I would rather have her then at home!

I cannot imagine her leaving Owen and Liam with a babysitter everyday to raise them while she goes to make money for the family because I need her to. A lot of this has to do with family leadership, but I won't go there now, because I have a feeling I will later this week.

Get the point?

If you are telling your wife you need her to work or "get more hours" so you can meet basic living essentials...you are not providing for your family. You are living beyond your means and instead of making tough budget decisions, you are asking your wife to fill in a gap that you've created and you can't fill.

Oh, just because society says a woman should be working and I may be a Neanderthal for wanting her home, doesn't make it right. I do not care what the cultural pressures are (see Romans 12:2). I care what God has called me to do that is best for my family and my wife...because I am responsible for Amber, Evan, Joah, Owen, and Liam and will give an account to God, not culture, for what I did.

Again, I do not have issues with women working! But, if she feels the call to stay home with the family to run the household, you should be able to provide her that opportunity. Along those lines, I hope you are asking God for guidance in the case where your wife wants to work. You need to be praying, asking for wisdom, and helping her in that decision. Again....leadership.

If you are out of work and have been for sometime, you need to step up and go get a job that pays some money. Don't tell me you "stay home with the kids", because your wife has a better paying job, better education, or just a better work ethic. That makes you a bum. That thinking is cultural, not Scriptural.

Get. A. Job.

I'm reminded of the scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark and his wife are talking about Cousin Edie being unemployed for seven years.

Clark: In seven years he couldn't find a job?

Ellen: Catherine says he's holding out for management position.

It's funny when you see it in the movie. It is not funny when your wife is living with a man who will not work. I'm not saying you will find your career right away, but after a short period of time not having a job, you need to get a job. Not a career. A job.

Deliver pizza. Haul Amish. Mow Yards. Do...Something.

Work is an essential part of a man's life. So much of our identity is wrapped up in "what we do for a living". If we don't work and have meaningful work (a whole other discussion), our life will feel empty and dead. If you don't have the drive to work...ask God to help motivate you. We need to be the providers for our family.

A man must...

1. ...learn to work.

To the parents of my future Daughter

2011-07-28T06:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Parents of my future daughter,

I want you to know that I've been praying for you and your daughter. I don't know you or know when my son will introduce us or tell your daughter is the woman for him, but I look forward to that day!

I am working hard to raise my boys in into Godly men. I have a passion for that, only rivaled for my passion for God and my wife. So, as pour out into my son, give serious thought to my actions in raising him into an Authentic Man of God, and pray for his future, I wanted to write you...because your raising of your daughter will impact my son (just like my son will impact your daughter). I'm sure you are great parents and doing an amazing job, but if I could, let me make some suggestions, and really, these are the things I am praying for right now:

**I hope you are reading great books on raising Godly daughters. One of my favorites is Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild (by Mary Kassian). The New Eve (by Robert Lewis) is another good one!

**Please teach your daughter about Jesus and why she needs Him and He should be the most important relationship in her life.

**Please pray for my son and that I can do the job God has called me to do with him.

**Dad, I hope you are being a Godly leader in your home. I am modeling what it means to be an Authentic Man of God, my boys will be called to that, and I hope your daughter sees it modeled in you, so she will see it in my sons.

**Mom, I pray you are teaching your daughter what it means to be a Godly woman (see Proverbs 31 and Titus 2). I pray you will understand what it means when you daughter creates a new family with her husband and how that may change the relationship you have now with "your little girl".

**As she gets older, please don't teach her sex is bad. Telling her it is "bad" will cause problems when she first gets married. Teach her it is wonderful, beautiful, and lots of fun, but created by God to be experienced only within marriage. Inside marriage it's all those things. Outside of marriage it can wreck her life physically and emotionally and create huge issues that need to be worked through before she can have true intimacy with the love of her life.

Please know, I have four sons, so I don't have any idea what it's like to raise a daughter. But, I do know how I will teach my sons to date your daughter. I know how I will teach them about what it means to love their wife. I know what I will teach them about being the leaders in their home. In all of this, your daughter will need to know what those things mean too and what her role in a Godly marriage will be.

One more thing...know Amber and I will consider your daughter my daughter because of her marriage to my son. There is no "in-law" here. We are praying God will have brought them together and we can't wait to welcome them (and you) into our family and see how God will work in and bless their lives....especially with lots of kids!

Sincerely,
Dustin

PS....Don't worry, Amber and I plan to help with paying for a portion of the wedding!

Have you loved like this?

2011-07-18T22:45:00.000-04:00

You wouldn't let your 5 year old watch an "R" rated movie would you?

Would you let your 12 year old daughter go on a date by herself with an older boy?

Would you let your 8 year old son play with a loaded gun by himself?

I'm guessing the answers to these questions are, "Of course not!"

Why not?

It's because you love them, care for them, and know you are called by God to raise them, protect them, and turn their heart toward Him. Pretty simple.

I've talked several times before about loving your wife, how to love your wife, and why it's important to love your wife as Christ loved the church...wholly and sacrificially. I have no doubt there will come a time when I will answer for how well I led my wife. Not just loved her...but led her. I am to love and lead her in a way that points her to Christ. I am to be an example of Christ's love and because of how I love and lead her, I should help her draw closer to Him in her personal walk.

So....know that, let me ask you this:

When was the last time you asked your wife what she's reading, watching, or listening to? Are you looking to protect her against all that is out in the world?
Have you challenged her that the book she is reading maybe is hurting her walk with God? Have you asked her why she continues to watch that TV show that promotes infidelity?

Now...you are not the social police for your wife! You cannot tell her what she can and can't do, watch, or read. The Holy Spirit's job is to convict. But I firmly believe we are called to keep watch and ask where we should.

But...before you do that, you better make sure the things you are reading, watching, and listening to aren't along the same lines as her stuff. Do you know what that makes you if you watch a movie that is completely immoral and then criticize your wife? Hypocrite. And that is no way to lovingly lead your wife closer to her Heavenly Father.

So, don't forget to love your wife in a way that shows her you care about her personal relationship with Christ!

Who do you think you are?

2011-07-09T22:01:00.000-04:00

Recently I had the chance to work a large AAU basketball tournament with teams from all over the country. There was some talented young kids there and there were coaches from every Big 10 school, several SEC, Big 12, and dozen of mid-major colleges there to watch these 15 and 16 year old players.

It was obvious the kids lived and breathed basketball. In watching them on the floor, in between games, and walking the halls, it was obvious their entire identity was wrapped up in that sport.

OK, that's fine. They are 16 and, for the most part, don't have a clue about what their life will be like in 5 years...or what living in "the real world" will require of them.

Then I saw their parents. Ah...that explains it. I was amazed at how many of those parents yelled, screamed, kept stats, and took notes while their kid played. I understand it can be a big deal if your kid is one of the few that may have the ability to play in college and earn a full scholarship, but it was apparent that their entire life was wrapped up in basketball and their kid.

What's wrong with that? What happens when Johnny doesn't get an offer to play college ball? Or blows out a knee and never plays again? Or is burnt out and doesn't want to play anymore? Who are those parents then? Odds are they become angry, bitter, and who knows what else.

Here's the bigger idea: Be very careful where you have your identity, because if something happens to that, you are left trying to figure out exactly who you are.

I was working with a small business owner who was thinking of selling his business and retiring. On his notes he wrote, "What do I do with the rest of my life?" The question hung there like a huge weight around his neck. He had no identity outside his work.

We all have this void in our life where we place our self-worth and self-esteem. The problem is we all try to fill the void in our life with so many different things:

Job (most common for men), kids (most common for women), our marriage, our extended family, our hobbies, or even our church/religion.

So what happens when we lose our job, our kids go off to school, our wife leaves us, or our church upsets us?

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "...He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

See it? The problem and the answer are both right there. The void we are trying to fill is this longing in our heart for eternity. The answer isn't my job. It isn't pushing my son to be an all-star athlete at age 8. It isn't completely focusing my entire life on my wife. It's eternity. The problem is we can't fully fathom what God has done, which means we have this burning desire for something we will never be able to fully understand. But, the answer in our heart can be satisfied by having a relationship with Jesus because only in Him can we have a secure knowledge that a longing for eternity is met.

Without that kind of foundation, as soon as that area of our life we've staked our identity cracks, crumbles, or disappears, we don't know what do. We're lost. And when that happens we try like mad to hold it all together or completely give up on life...because we have no other option.

Now, none of those things I mentioned (job, kids, etc) are bad. In fact, we need to be passionate about them and pursing them to get the most out of this life. But, those things can't be who we are or what we are most known for. Think of it like this...what do you want to be know for when you die?

Me? I want to be known as a loving father, great husband, good friend who had a passion about people and helping men be all God made them to be.

All those things can only happen if my foundation is my personal relationship with Christ. Because, without Him, none of those things will ever be what I want them to be. Why? Because I can't do it on my own...and neither can you.

So today is your birthday...

2011-07-02T20:49:00.003-04:00

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow you would be 55. We would be at the lake cottage celebrating your birthday and like always, the boys would be so excited to give you their homemade cards and beg me to help throw you off the pier.

The boys helping on
Dad's last birthday.

Honestly, several years ago I had prepared for you not to see 55. Your health was declining and the Amaloyid was progressing. I wasn't sure you'd live to see 55.

I was pretty sure we'd celebrate your 54th birthday...but that wasn't ours to celebrate either.

I played golf today at South Shore and as I got close to the cottage, I was flooded with emotions thinking about July 3rd. I'm not really sure why. I guess that's just the part of me that will always remember you. It's the same part of me that shows up on Father's Day, Christmas, and all those other milestones during the course of the year.

Don't worry though. The emotions are good, healthy one. Through my tears, I laughed about all the fun we'd have wrestling on the pier, throwing firecrackers at each other, and playing rugby in the water with a greased watermelon. I miss you...but know you are right where you've longed to be.

I can't image what birthdays in Heaven are like. Celebrating the day you are born with the One who created you has to be something special. Enjoy it.

Amber will probably make a chocolate sheet cake in your honor. I hope the Angles know the Kaehr version of the Birthday song. If they don't, tell them to listen to the boys sing it to you.

Love you, dad.
Dustin

Men...3 things to do this weekend for a better marriage

2011-06-23T19:10:00.000-04:00

Men,

I know we all want to have better marriages and have a closer relationship with our wife. Well, if you want some things to do this weekend to feel closer to your wife...here are three:

Friday Night -- Undivided Conversation
Undivided Conversation - After the kids are in bed (or better yet, get a sitter and go out), sit and share some coffee, tea, or ice cream.
**Talk to her about your week
**Tell her how things are going
**Ask her what the best part of her week was
**Ask her what she's struggling with

Simply have some adult conversation and re-connect with your best friend. (Bonus Points: End the conversation by praying with her and for her).

Saturday -- Uninterrupted Time
Give her 3 hours on Saturday to herself. Take the kids out for a few hours or let her leave for a few hours. Better yet, give her $40 and tell her to she has 3 hours to spend it on herself.

Sunday -- Unconsequential Affection
(I'm not even sure if "unconsequential" is a word, but it fits)

In other words....rub her back or her feet with no hopes, expectations, or intentions of getting lucky. More importantly, tell her that when you start so she can relax and enjoy it!

Try those three things with a sincere heart and I'll bet come Monday morning you and your wife are ready for the week ahead! Oh, and be sure to come back Monday and post any success stories from the weekend!

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-18T20:12:00.000-04:00

I've been really busy these last couple weeks, but what I was going to write about for Father's Day has been top of mind with me.

First off, this is only my 2nd Father's Day without my dad, and between watching the US Open and thinking about Sunday, I've really been thinking about him a lot this week.

Second, there is a great FREE eBook available from Mark Driscoll called, Pastor Dad that is available by clicking HERE. This eBook came from a sermon he preached in 2001 (I listened to it again this week). It's a great read and real convicting reminder of what I should be for my kids and Amber.

Third, I went back and listened to a song called Father's Day, and re-read the post I wrote about how important it is for men to Show Some Heart. I'd encourage you to go re-read / re-listen to it too.

Finally, here is what I have been thinking about all week as I've thought about what it means to me to be a father to 4 great boys:

It's not about me...
...and how many things I can buy for myself.
...and how much golf I get to play.
...getting "time away" from the family.
...making sure I am always happy.
...and needing all my needs met first.

It's all about me...
...living a life my kids would want to follow.
...loving their mother in a way they know love can last forever.
...leading my family, knowing I will answer to God for how well I do.
...accepting responsibility for the financial, emotional, and spiritual health of this family.
...being an Authentic Man of God for Amber, Evan, Jojo, Owen, and Liam.

Die to self.

It's a phrase that has been top of mind with me for nearly a year. It's the motto we teach in Men's Fraternity as the key to having a successful life at home and work.

There is no greater gift / job / responsibility you will have as a man then to be a husband and father. It's not easy. It's not suppose to be. But, we're men and God created us to deal with it.

For those of you trying, working at, getting better at, having small victories...I'm proud of you.

Happy Father's Day.

dk

10 Things My Kids Wish I Knew / Remembered

2011-05-25T00:12:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure where I picked up this list, but it's been on my desk a long time. I need to apply these more often. 10 things my kids wish I knew and remembered:

------------------------------------------

1. My hands are small; please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture, or throw a ball. My legs are short...slow down so that I can keep up with you.

2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; let me explore safely; don't restrict me unnecessarily.

3. Housework will always be there; I'm little only for a short time. Take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.

4. My feelings are tender; don't nag me all day long. Treat me as you would like to be treated.

5. I am a special gift from God; treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by, and disciplining me in a loving manner.

6. I need encouragement (buy not empty praise) to grow. Go easy on the criticism; remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

7. Give me freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail so I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I'll be prepared to make decisions life will require of me.

8. Don't do things over for me; that makes me feel my efforts didn't measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but don't compare me with my brother or sister.

9. Don't be afraid to leave for a weekend with mom. We need a break from you and you need a break from us. Besides, it's a great way to show us that your marriage is something special.

10. Take me to Sunday School and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

------------------------------------------
Much easier for my to write out then do daily. But, I'm committing to reading this every morning and working on it. Join me?

dk

Dear Evan,

2011-05-15T21:35:00.001-04:00

Dear Evan,

Right now you are having a hard time going sleep. Tomorrow you turn 8 and are excited for so many things: Breakfast with me, classroom party, presents, cards, and all the other things that come with having a birthday.

Funny thing though...8 years ago tonight, I couldn't sleep either. Your mom and I were scheduled to be at Lutheran Hospital the next morning and you were going to be born. I was full of so many emotions rolled into one: Happy, Nervous, Excited, Scared, Anxious.

I knew my life was about to change, but I had no idea how.

You have been such a blessing in my life. You have been such a joy to watch and raise these last 8 years and I can't imagine you not in my life. I have learned so much about myself these last 8 years and not all of it has been good. God has used you nearly every day to remind me of the kind of father I need to be. I want you to know I'm sorry for those times I've yelled at you for no reason. I'm sorry when I've been too hard on you and expected too much. It's the thing new dads deal with...and believe me, everyday I still feel like a new dad.

But, here is what I really want you to know (and I hope my words and actions daily tell you this):

Evan, I love you.
Evan, I'm proud of who you are.
Evan, you are so good at so many things.

I remember how excited I was when you told me you prayed to ask Jesus into your heart when you were 6. You have such a tender heart (a heart like Jesus) and I can't wait to see what great work He does in your life in the years ahead. I'm looking forward to the next 8 years as I get to teach you what it means to be a Godly young man and make so many great memories with you.

I'm lucky to be your dad.

Love,
Daddy

A letter to new dads, old dads, and new dads that feel old

2011-05-11T21:34:00.000-04:00

(Note: This is really a letter to new fathers, but if you've been a dad for awhile, I hope this will have some meaning for you as well.)

Dear New Dad,

I know, I know. The baby is finally quiet and the last thing you want to do is read this letter. You want to sleep. Actually, you might be too tired to sleep, so collapsing on the couch in exhaustion may be more like it.

Relax, it could be worse...you could be the new mom!

My favorite moment
as a new dad!

But, while you have a minute I wanted to write you this note. I remember the day Evan was born so well. I had no idea the impact him coming into the world would have on me. Looking back, I want to give you 4 things to tuck away and remember. I still need to remember them today and I hope you will find them helpful.

1. Pursue God more now than ever - Don't lose site of the fact your most important relationship still needs be with God and His son, Jesus. In fact, now that you have a child of your own, I bet John 3:16 (...his only begotten son...) looks a bit more real to you. You understand how much God must love you to put His son on the cross and die for you. Remember, He doesn't want your money. He doesn't want you just going to church. He wants a relationship with you. As a new father, you are going to need His strength now more than ever.

2. Love your wife - It's so easy to get in the habit of raising kids that, if I am not careful, I can begin to interact and treat Amber as a business partner. No doubt Kaehr, Inc. is very successful and there are times our life feels more like a business, but I want to be married to my best friend, not a business partner. Create space for just you and your wife. Create moments where you be close to her, talk with her, and do all those other things I've talked about in the past - remember, loving her means lead her. Now more than ever, she needs you to step up as the Godly leader in the home!

3. Check your blind spots - There are going to be areas of your life that were never an issue before and now that you have kids...are going to be blind spots (things that are effecting you that you just don't see). I've told you about the importance of a mentor and accountability partner. If you don't have these men in your life, now would be the time to get them. You are going to need other men to share with and help you down this path.

4. Enjoy it - Children are gift from the Lord. Enjoy the new blessing in your life. Remember, don't just enjoy them now (when they are sleeping). Enjoy them in the middle of the night when they are screaming. Enjoy them when they throw up all over you. Enjoy them when the begin to walk or say "da da". Enjoy them when they poop out of their diaper all over your jeans. Don't ever stop looking at them like the miracle you keep saying they are right now. Believe me, that is so much easier to write than say, but it's true!

I could probably go on and on, but I won't. Enjoy the quite. Give your wife a back rub. Rest. You are going to need it.

But, let me tell you...if you will be an engaging husband and father, if you will pursue God, love your wife, share the experience with others, and enjoy the moments...there is no greater job or reward this side of Heaven.

Absolutely nothing!

To quote a PBS legend...Remember, I'm pulling for ya'. We're all in this together.

Really?!?

2011-05-04T23:32:00.000-04:00

Last week I was sitting by myself and having lunch. I was reading a magazine, watching sports on TV and checking email on my phone. At the table next to me, there was group of 3 guys talking and I wasn't really listening until one of them said this:

There's no way my wife could leave for a couple of days. I don't think I could handle it with my kids. All the meals and baths and stuff. It's more than I can deal with.

I stopped. I wanted to get up, walk over, sit down, look at him and go, "REALLY?!?" (and then slap him).

You couldn't handle having the kids for a couple of days? Really? You couldn't handle being the sole care giver for 48 hours? Really?!?

Listen, if you are a dad and have kids and you couldn't be solely responsible for your kids for a couple of nights, without...

...your wife preparing all the meals, or...
...your wife writing out instructions on which kids get which medicines, etc, or...
...your mommy coming over to watch them so you can go golf or to help get them to bed, or...
...just putting them in front of the TV, Wii, or Game Boy for a couple days...

...then you aren't doing your job as a husband and father. You're immature and I guarantee you cause your wife more stress than anyone else in her life. It's time to grow up.

Your kids need alone time with you. They need to bond with you without their mom around. They need to see how you handle dinner. They need to see how you do bath time. They need to see their dad being dad.

My boys love "Boys' Club". That's what we call it when Amber is gone for a few hours or for the weekend. They look forward to it. I look forward to it. Amber really looks forward to it!

Here's the point: BE ENGAGED in the life of your kids. Don't just be a paycheck.

40% of babies born in White families today have no father in the home. The number jumps to over 70% when you talk about babies born in the African American community. Those are homes where there is no father at all. That doesn't count the homes where a dad is physically there, but in all the ways that matter he's not there!

Here's the challenge: Be alone with your kids for an overnight or for a weekend. Send your wife away somewhere. I'm guessing you won't have to twist her arm!
------------------------------
Now, ladies...you need to understand your husband is not a mom. He is not going to do things the way you do.

He's not going to feed them the way you do. That's OK.
He's not going to treat them the way you do. That's OK.
He's not going to do bedtime the way you do. That's OK

Why? Because, he is their father. He loves them, cares about them, and will protect them. They will still all be there when you get home. Let your husband test his own parenting skills. Only doing everything you tell him to do when it comes to the kids isn't having an engaged father/husband...it's having a male nanny that brings in a paycheck.

You need your husband to be active in your kids' lives. You need him to be willing to take them off your hands. You need time away from the kids...and they need time away from you.

--------------------------------
OK, back to the men. I think it's time more of us men Stand Up, Step Up, and Suck It Up when it comes to being actively involved in the raising of our kids.

So, don't tell me you don't think you could handle your kids alone for a couple of days while your wife gets a much needed break.

You can do it. It called being a dad. Learn to deal with it.

Everyone should know...The Protégé : Your Legacy

2011-04-22T23:24:00.002-04:00

On Wednesday, I talked about the 2nd person everyone should know. The Mentor: Your Guide. You need to have someone you admire and appreciate, then meet with them regularly as you go through your life.

The reasons you need to have a mentor are the mirror reflection of the reasons you should know this last person...The Protégé : Your Legacy.

As you go through life, you have experiences and things you learn. You have trials. You have joys. You have experiences you've learned from. The point of knowing The Protégé, is that you shouldn't keep them to yourself. You should be sharing them.

If you have a Mentor you are learning from, you should have a Protégé you are teaching. Regardless of the stage of life you are in, you should be sharing your life with someone younger. So for me, I should be looking for someone out of college, newly married, etc.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect...just willing to share your journey. Teaching someone and helping them get through life is a great joy.

Having The Protégé in your life becomes your legacy whenever you pass on. Just like your kids. Just like my boys. If you've read any of my other posts, you know how serious I take raising my boys. They will be the part of me that will live on long after I'm gone.

But, I shouldn't limit that to my boys. Like I need help from a mentor, there are lots of people around me on the daily basis that I could contribute to their life.

So, find that person in your life.

Reach out to them
Invest in them.
Open yourself to them.

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So, as you look back at these four people, I hope if you don't have each of them in your life, I hope you will make an effort to meet them.

The Savior: Your Redeemer (Tuesday)
The Mentor: Your Guide (Wednesday)
The Accountability Partner: Your Companion (Thursday)
The Protégé: Your Legacy (Friday)

Everyone should know....The Accontability Partner: Your Companion

2011-04-21T22:29:00.003-04:00

The picture on the left is of a group of climbers making the climb up Mt. Everest. For most of the climb, climbers are tied together with rope for safety.

If one climber falls, the rest of the group can pull him back to safety.

This idea is found in the Bible.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).

Going through this life is sort of like climbing a mountain. Who are you tied to? Who can pull you back on the trail when you slip or wander off course?

The problem (especially for men) is we have lots of acquaintances and friends, but the roots with those friends are shallow...not anchoring. We don't let anyone inside our inner circle.

Do you have have a small group of people you meet / talk to regularly about more than last night's ball game or the latest episode of American Idol?

Everyone needs to know The Accountability Partner. They can be your companion as you travel through life and make the journey safe and fun.

Here are three reasons you need an accountability partner (or small group of them):

1. Jesus did. While there were 12 disciples, there were 3 Jesus was especially close to. In Mark 14, Jesus took the 12 to Gethsemane and told them to, "sit here while I pray." (v. 32). In the next verses, we get a glimpses of the 3 men Jesus leaned on.

(33) He took Peter, James, and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. (34) "My soul is overwhelmed and with sorrow to the point of death", he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."

Jesus didn't show these heavy emotions to all 12...he shared them with the 3 men closest to Him. If Jesus needed other men to share His heart with, what makes you think you don't?

2. You can't do it alone. We love to wear the badge of "self-sufficiency" as if it's an honor. We take great pride in showing people what we can do all by our self. But, in every person's life, there comes a time when they need a friend to lean on (like Jesus in the Garden). We need a friend to help us get through. Sometimes that means we ask for their help, their insight, or their opinion. There are other times that means we share our heart and ask them pray.

You cannot go through this life alone. God did not create us to be alone. We see these friendships throughout the Bible. A great example is the relationship between David and Jonathon. We get a picture of how much these two men loved each other in I Samuel 18:

(1)After David had finished speaking with Saul, Jonathon became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. (3) And Jonathon made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. (4) Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow, and his belt.

David was a man chasing the heart of God, and he knew how important it was for him to have a close friend.

3. You need to hear it from a friend. There are going to be times in your life where you will need to be told you are out of line, off course, or just plain wrong.

If you are married, these may be things that would be very hard to hear from your spouse. If it relates to your role and responsibility in marriage, your spouse may not be able to tell you. You need a good friend (of the same sex) to tell you.

Proverbs 27:6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted".

You need someone in your life that will speak truth to you...even when you don't want to hear it. If you don't, you will follow your own path, do your own thing, and go where you want...which ultimately will lead to your destruction.

It's never easy to hear those things, but if you have no one close enough to you that can speak that truth, you are missing out on the true joys, growth, and struggles that come with true friendship.
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I am so thankful for the few guys I have in my life as my accountability partners. Guys that know my heart, my struggles, and my joys. Guys I can call when I have a crappy day at work and get encouragement to keep fighting the battle. Guys I can call when Amber and I are working through conflict and they keep me focused on what matters...not what my selfish nature thinks.

I love them dearly and am so glad to be tied to them.

Who are you tied to?
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Tomorrow is the final of 4 People Everyone Should Know. We will look at The Protégé : Your Legacy.

Everyone should know…The Mentor: Your Guide

2011-04-20T21:12:00.001-04:00

Several years ago, my dad and I went Muskie fishing. It was a Christmas gift from mom and we got to spend the day Lake Webster fishing for a fish that can grow to over 60”.
We didn’t catch a thing. But, I had a great day on the water.

Muskie fishing was something neither of us had ever done before. We had no idea where to start. We didn’t a boat. We didn’t have the right gear. We didn’t have the right bait. We didn’t know how to fish for Muskie. We had never seen one in the wild.

The only thing we had was a desire to catch fish.

That is why we needed a guide. Mike was an expert. He spends 10+ hours a day, over 250 days a year fishing for Muskie in Indiana, Minnesota, and anywhere else he can. He had 10 different rods and 4 boxes of bait. He had a $25,000 boat. He had a fish finder with a screen as big as my television. Let’s just say he knew what he was doing. (Side note: We had a couple of chances to catch fish but didn’t get them hooked…needless to say, it wasn’t the guide’s fault).

Here’s my point…What desires do you have?

*A happy, healthy marriage?
*Great kids?
*Financial freedom?
*Becoming an Authentic Man of God?
*Being a Godly wife?
*Being a success at work?

Do you have all the tools, skills, knowledge, and maps to achieve your goals?

If not…do you have a guide? Do you have someone who has been there before? Someone who knows where to go, what to look for, what to say, and how to communicate it a way you understand it?

Do you have mentor? Do you have a wise and trusted guide and advisor (Webster’s definition of ‘mentor’)?

If not…how do you think you will get what you desire? Even better, I think it is not a bad idea to have several mentors in your life as it relates to different areas of your life.

Over the last several years, I have come to realize how important a mentor is and what a blessing he is in my life.

Everyone needs to know a mentor. There are a couple of things you need to have in a mentor and couple of things a mentor can bring into your life.

Your mentor should be:

1. Someone you respect
You should value their opinion. You should be able to trust what they are telling you. They should be living a life you admire and want to strive after for yourself.

2. Someone who has been there, done that
With 4 boys, it would make no sense for my mentor to have all daughters. I want someone who has been through what I am going (or going to go) through.

Your mentor can be:

1. A sounding board
The value of a mentor comes when you can sit with them and just share your heart. Share you struggles. Share your thoughts. Your plans. Your joys. Allow them to help you think through difficult situations.

2. Someone to follow
Your mentor should be someone whose life inspires you to be better. You should look at your mentor and say, “Boy, when I have teenagers, I really want that kind of relationship with my kids.”

How do you get a mentor? Simple. Ask. Once you have found someone you would like to learn from, ask to meet with that person. Take them to breakfast. Pick their brain. Share your heart. Simply become their friend and learn from them.

Everyone should have a mentor in their life. Everyone should have a guide to help them navigate life. It makes the highs of life that much higher and the lows not that low.

I know I’m thankful for mine.

Thanks, ST.

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Tomorrow: Everyone should know…The Accountability Partner: Your Companion

Everyone should know...The Savior: Your Redeemer

2011-04-19T21:00:00.000-04:00

Do you know Jesus? No, not “Have you heard of Jesus?”…but do you know Him? Do you know what He did for you on the cross? Do you have a relationship with Him that is impacting your daily life?

This week is Passion Week…the week between Palm Sunday and Easter. This weekend is the time Jesus fulfilled His purpose.

Passover starts for Jews sundown Tuesday night. Passover is a week-long remembrance of when God passed over the Jewish homes and killed all the first born children of the Egyptians. It was the final plague and when it was over Pharaoh finally told Moses to leave Egypt.

But, I want to relate your need to know the Savior to another Jewish holiday…Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is known as “The Day of Atonement” and was established for the Jews in Leviticus 23-26. It was the most holy of days for the Jews. It was the day the Jews would be absolved for sins and made in right-standing with God. It was the only day of the year the High Priest would enter the Holy of Holies in the Temple.

In the Holy of Holies was the Ark of the Covenant. Inside the Ark there were three things: A jar of manna, Aaron’s staff, and the tablets with the Ten Commandments.

God said He dwelled between the wings of the angles over the Ark.

So, picture God sitting above the Ark and looking down into it. He was sitting on the Mercy Seat (see Exodus 25:18-21). It is literally the “atonement piece”. He looks into the Ark and sees the Ten Commandments on which He judges the nation of Israel.

On Yom Kippur, the High Priest would take the blood from a sacrificed bull and spread it on the atonement piece of the Ark of the Covenant. God would see the blood of the sacrifice and accept that for payment of sins, as oppose to the judgment that was deserved for not keeping God’s law (AKA sin), which is death (Romans 6:23).

Fast forward to the death of Christ. In Romans is says we are all sinners (3:23) and without a payment for those sins, we are separated from God. We need a way to atone for our sins before death, because if we don’t, when we die we will be condemned and separated for God for eternity. Hebrews 9:7 says that all people are destined to die once…then judgment.

At the Cross, Jesus’ death served as the final atonement. His blood covers our sins (Romans 3:25) and accepting that is the only thing to get us right with God, filling a void we all are born with. Read Hebrews 9:11-14 to see how the Blood of Christ was the perfect sacrifice and we are no longer required to spread the blood of the bull on the Mercy Seat. Jesus’ blood was spread on the Mercy Seat and is sufficient for all people…for all of eternity.

Unfortunately, until we come to have a relationship with Jesus, we all try to fill that void in our hearts with lots of different things: Work, Money, Status, Charity Work, Marriage, Kids, Friends, maybe even Church. But, nothing will fill that void but a personal relationship with Jesus.

Not only is He the only thing to fill the void, there is only one way to get Him into your life. You have to recognize your need for the Redeemer, recognize Jesus as the Savior, ask for forgiveness, and ask Him to come into your life. We cannot earn right-standing with God (see Ephesians 2:8), but rather it is a gift we must humbly accept.

Do you know the Savior? Do you have the Redeemer in your life? Not a redeemer, but the Redeemer?

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Tomorrow: Everyone should know…The Mentor: Your Guide

4 People Everyone Should Know - Introduction

2011-04-18T17:34:00.000-04:00

Friend: [frend] –noun; A person attracted to another by feelings of affection or personal regard

Friendship is a great thing. Most people would say they have “lots of friends”. Using the definition above, most of us do have lots of other people we have personal regard for and would consider to be a friend.

Sure, some are closer than others, but there are lots of people I would consider my friend. I have over 500 contacts in Outlook. Sure, I don’t share lots of personal stuff with them, but I don’t bad feelings towards any of them…so I would say we are friendly towards each other and they would be a friendly acquaintance (in today’s society, “acquaintance” and “friend” are interchangeable for a lot of people).

The average Facebook user has 130 friends.

Friends are an important part of our lives. They help us get through our day. They inspire us to be better people. They a source of assurance in times of trouble and celebrate our joys.

There are many Proverbs about the value of having good friends:
Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times…
Proverbs 18:24 – One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 27:6 – Wounds from a friend can be trusted…

Jesus had lots of acquaintances. Everywhere He went people came to see Him, hear Him teach, be healed, and have dinner with Him. Many of those people would have considered him a friend and he would have considered them friends. He had many followers. He had 12 close friends (the apostles) and then an inner circle of three (James, John, and Peter).

Like in Jesus’ time, it is very easy to have lots of friends. Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites keep us connected to hundreds of people on a daily basis. But, I believe there are some key relationships we are missing. These are relationships that not only make us happier people, but push us who God called us to be and what He wants us to be.

Over the rest of this week, I will look at four relationships. These are the four people everyone should know. These are the four people you should know.

These are the four people you need in your life.

Everyone should know…
…The Savior: Your Redeemer (Tuesday)
…The Mentor: Your Guide (Wednesday)
…The Accountability Partner: Your Companion (Thursday)
…The Protégé: Your Legacy (Friday)

Cool Google Feature & Next Week's Posts

2011-04-15T21:58:00.000-04:00

This week at a training meeting, a co-worker introduced me to Google Voice. I only use it for my voicemail, but it will send me a text (and there is an iPhone app) so I can read voicemails instead of listening to them.

It also allows me to record different messages for differnt contacts. So, I have different message for all my family and friends than I do business partners. One other cool feature was Widget I was able to place on my blog.

Here's how it works:
1. Click the icon on the left side of the blog that says Leave a voicemail.

2. Enter your name and phone number and check the box next to keep number private.

3. Press Connect. Your phone will ring...don't be alarmed that you don't recognize the number.

4. Answer your phone and Press "1" at the prompt.

5. It will ring and unless I mess up, you will be able to leave a voicemail. If I mess up, I may answer the phone!

6. You can leave me a message asking a question you'd like to see answered or give me an idea for a blog post.

Not sure how well it will work (or if anyone will use it), but I thought it was a cool feature.

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Next week, I'm going to have a series of posts...not sure if it will be 4 or 5 posts, but we'll see. Here is the title:

4 People Everyone Should Know

Hope you will enjoy it...

Being a Proverbs 31 Husband - Helping Your Wife Be All She Can Be

2011-03-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

(Note: If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, I suggest reading them first)

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Being a Proverbs 31 Husband - Helping Your Wife Be All She Can Be

The last 22 verses of this proverb are the most famous in the chapter. In fact, this epilogue is one of the more well know sections of verses in the entire Bible. Even if people don't know what it says, most have heard of a "Proverbs 31 wife".

Again, these verses are sayings that King Lemuel's mother taught him. If Jewish tradition is correct, then this proverb was written by Solomon, and these are things his mother, Bathsheba, taught him.

In these last 22 verses, Bathsheba is giving her son a picture of what kind of woman he should be looking for...character traits a wife of noble character would display. But, I don't want to focus on the traits of the woman, I want to focus on the husband.

"Husband" is mentioned three times (v11, 23, 29) and implied in verse 31. I want to look at each example, because the mom giving advice is very strategic in telling the her son (the husband) what he needs to do...and in doing so, what the wife of noble character.

To produce a wife of noble character, a husband must...

...have full confidence in her. (v11)
We need to trust our wives. We need to trust that they have our family's best interest in mind and want to do nothing but bless us. Her worth is far more than rubies. Because of her, we lack nothing of value and she brings us good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Look at the next 15 verses (v12-27). They talk about some key characteristics and/or actions of a woman whose husband has confidence in her:
**Strong work ethic
**Provides for her family
**Makes business decisions for her family's benefit
**Runs a business on her own
**She is free to speak her mind...and she speaks wisdom
**She runs her house efficiently and isn't sitting around

Doesn't sound like a wife that just waits for her husband to tell her what to do, does it?

If her husband does not have any confidence in her, she won't have the energy (or authority) to make those decisions. He tells her he trusts her to do what is best for the family...then lets her do it.

In the Old Testament, women didn't have many rights. They weren't treated as helper, but in many cases servants, only there to make their husbands look better and produce offspring. But, when a husband gives her wife the confidence she needs, she is empowered to use her God-given abilities to advance the goals of the family.

What does the husband get in return for this confidence? Besides a house that is blessed and lacks nothing? See the second appearance of "husband" in these verses. He is respected by his peers (v23). The city gate was where the elders hung out. Think of a group of men hanging out a coffee shop early in the morning. In those times, the city gates were the coffee shops.

Men who give their wives the ability to be who God created them to be were respected by other men. Other men looked up to them. Other men were envious of them. If men with this kind of wife are respected, then the opposite has to be true as well.

Men with a wife who causes trouble and strife in her home causes him to loose respect. He walks away after his wife comes and talks to him and all the guys go, "Wow, am I glad I don't have to go home to that everyday!" Proverbs 21:19 and 25:24 both say:

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

"Quarrelsome" could also be translated "brawling" or "contentious". How do you make sure she your wife isn't "quarrelsome"? Have full confidence in her and the job God has called her to do in your home.

Do you trust your wife? Are you always criticizing everything she does? Critical of every dollar she spends on the kids? Do you blow up every time she makes a suggestion or asks a favor because you think "she's controlling" you?

Do other men look at you and wish their marriage was like yours? Or, are they glad it isn't?

I am not saying we to turn a blind eye to her activity. We are called to be the leaders in our home, and as the leader, we will be held responsible for how our family is ran. When Eve ate the apple and then gave some to Adam, God came looking for Adam. He called to Adam and asked what he had done...not what had Eve done. As the leader of the marriage, he was held responsible for her actions.

But, we do need to trust her and give her the freedom to do what God designed her to...be our helper! You cannot micro-manage your wife. If you do, you will want to live on the corner of your roof instead of in your home!

So, to produce a wife of noble character, a husband must...

...have full confidence in her. He must also...

...honor and praise her. (v28-29)
Here, King Lemuel is being reminded to tell his wife how wonderful she is. Verbally tell her she is the best! Do not just assume she knows. She needs to hear you say it.

When she cares more about her relationship with the Lord than the things of this world...she is to be praised for that! (v30) Even in those days, it was easy for women to be caught up in the newest trend, the newest make-up, the newest ways to get a man, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!

Bathsheba is reminding her young son to look for what really matters. Looks are only for a moment (remember, King David was drawn to Bathsheba because she was very beautiful, 2 Samuel 11:2), but a woman that fears the Lord is someone you want to be with. She is someone you can trust with your home. She is someone who you can put confidence in.

Not only do you need to praise her, but you need to honor her. Note the difference:

Praising is the act admiration for what she has done.
Honoring her means you give her the respect she deserves.

Praising involves words, gifts, etc. Respect involves treating her as a fellow heir of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7) we have in Christ. When we give her honor in private, she will receive praise in public (v31).

Do you honor and praise your wife? Do you tell her thank you for all she does in your home? Do you use the blank side of the card to write her a note...or just sign your name? In what ways do you honor and praise your wife? In what ways could you do better?

Do you want a Proverbs 31 wife?

Then first you need to be a Proverbs 31 Husband.

dk

Being a Proverbs 31 Man - Personal Decisions that Matter

2011-03-25T19:30:00.003-04:00

(If you didn't read Part 1 of this message, click here)
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After getting her son's attention, King Lemuel's mom touches on two areas of her son's life:

1. His body/mind, as a man and King (vs 3-7)
2. His character/integrity, as a future King (vs 8-9)

Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. (v3)

I think the kind of women she is talking about are the adulteress and prostitutes. She tells her son to spend your strength on them. Other translations say "give" instead of "spend". She is reminding him the power is in his hands. He has the choice. If indeed, this is Bathsheba teaching her son this, she is reflecting back on the pain caused by David's sin. She doesn't spend a lot of time on this subject, but there is no doubt it was a major theme taught to Solomon all through his life.

Solomon is credited as writing Proverbs 5 and 7. Both of these proverbs are all about the downfall of adultery and why his son should stay away from such actions. It's clear Solomon knew of his father and mother's story, and while God used their sin to bless, he wanted to spare his own son the pain he saw in his parents.

In verses 4 through 7, Lemuel's mom warns of abusing alcohol. She reminds her son what happens to those that drink wine and crave been. She gives two clear consequences for kings and rulers that do this:

1. They forget the law...which they are called to uphold. (v5)
2. They deprive oppressed people of their rights...people counting on the king. (v5)

She tells her son, "When you drink to excess, you forget the job God has called you to do. More importantly, there are people counting on you...people, for whom you are their only hope, and when you drink you forget them, don't take care of them, and they suffer." The reminder here is when you are a leader, your actions don't just effect you.

Not only does she give him two clear consequences, she reminds him who the beer and wine are for and why they do that to themselves. Verses 6 and 7 say,

(6) Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish. (7) Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.

She is telling her dear son, "Drinking like that is for people who have no hope. People who think it will make their situations better. Don't be like that! You have hope! We have taught you how to act when you have trials. Not only have we taught you...you've seen us live it!"

In these verses (3-7), she's impressing on her son, "As a boy who will be King, you have a higher standard you need to adhere to. People are counting on you. Giving your body to women or alcohol will prevent you from doing your job and cause you to hurt the people who are counting on you most!"

Changing from her son's body/mind to his character/integrity, verses 8 and 9 are imploring her to speak for those who can't, judge fairly, and defend the rights of the poor and needy.

She tells her son what she believes are some of the most important jobs he will have as a King. She reminds him that he has the power to help people. He can step into people's lives and make a real difference for them. Judge fairly. She is telling him, "With this power comes a great responsibility. You will have the power to ruin people or build them up...push them back or pull them forward. In every opportunity, my son, remember those less fortunate. Help those around you!"

We know Solomon got this point and remembered it when he was King. He showed his wisdom and compassion in 1 Kings 3:16-28, when he decided who the baby's real mother was. 1 Kings 4 says that Solomon had peace all around him, his people were numerous as the sand on the shore and they all ate, drank, and were happy. It says they all "lived in safety, each man under his own vine and fig tree" (v25).

Application
1. What things are in your life that are keeping you from doing what God you to do?

We all have areas of our life we struggle with. We all have things that get in the way our relationship with God and doing what God has called us to do. We all have "blind spots". Is it work? TV? Your iPhone? Pornography? Dating? Your wife? Your kids?

What is keeping you back? What are you using to forget the circumstances and reality of your life, where it is now, and where it should be?

What decisions are you making that are not only effecting you, but everyone around you? Are you making those decisions with others in mind...or only yourself?

Do you make selfish decisions and then complain when things don't work out like you want or blame others? Blame your kids? Your wife? Your boss? God?

Really?

You know who is to blame. Make better decisions and there will be less blame to go around.

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Tomorrow...Being a Proverbs 31 Man - Helping Your Wife Be All She Can Be

dk

Being a Proverbs 31 Man - Live to Impress

2011-03-24T20:37:00.001-04:00

The 31st proverb of the Bible is a popular one. There have been books written and ministries founded based on the last 22 verses, which talk about being The Wife of Noble Character. It is a great chapter used by many to teach women what it means to be a Godly woman, mother and wife.

So much is spent looking at this proverb from the woman's perspective, but I want to spend a few posts looking at it from a man's perspective. But, remember, this proverb was actually written for a son!

Being a Proverbs 31 Man
1. Live to Impress (verses 1-2)
2. Personal Decisions That Matter (verses 3-9)
3. Helping Your Wife Be All She Can Be (verses 10-31)

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LIVE TO IMPRESS
Proverbs 31 was written by King Lemuel. No one knows for sure who he was, but Jewish tradition says King Lemuel was a poetic name for King Solomon. If that is the case, then the insight would of come from his mother, Bathsheba. Remember her story with King David?

We know the sin David and Bathsheba committed (adultery and murder of her husband) and the consequences of that sin (the love-child died 7 days after birth). But, we also see the redemptive Grace of God in their story. David was called a "man after God's own heart" and if Proverbs 31 was written by Bathsheba, there is no doubt she had a wonderful relationship with God, based on her knowledge of the role He gave her for being a helper to the King.

These 31 verses are things a mother wanted to impress on her son and for him to live by.

The sayings of King Lemuel, an inspired utterance his mother taught him. (v1)

In order to impress...we need to teach. These are not sayings she just told her son...she taught them to him. No doubt these are not just things the King heard once from his mom. She just didn't give them to him in a letter when he turned 18. She impressed them on his heart over and over and for that to happen they had to be on her heart daily and lived out daily.

There was constant instruction on these things. It's easy to picture her walking through the marketplace, past the fields, at the city gate with the young Prince by her side and pointing the drunks and pointing to women, saying, "See her and what she's doing? That's the kind of person I've been talking about."

He was reminded of them over and over. Remember, these are the sayings of King Lemuel. See my point?

The King was saying things he was taught as a young boy by his mom. He probably shared them with his wife. He taught them to his daughters. He was saying them (they were on his heart and mind) long after the training and influence of his mother was over. He probably reflected on them as part of the speech he gave at her funeral. He knew the sayings.

Listen, my son! Listen son of my womb!
Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! (v2-3)

In order to impress...we need passion. In verse 2, she uses the word "listen" three times. She stresses how important these things are for him to understand. She realizes the consequences on his life if he doesn't take her words to heart. She says it three times to get his attention. Each "listen" is invoking a stronger emotion, in hopes of really engaging her son's mind/heart.

Listen, my son! (You are my son...I am raising you...listen to me!)

Listen, son of my womb! (Not only am I raising you, but you were a part of me..I care for you like I care for my own body...listen to me!)

Listen, my son, the answers to my prayers! (Not only am I raising you and care for you like my own body, but I prayed to God for you...You were given to me by God because of a longing in my heart...God knew what he was doing when he put you into my life...listen to me!).

This last "listen" shows God was a part of her life and she showed that relationship to her kids everyday. They saw their mom engaged in a relationship with God and how that played out in her daily life.

Application:
1. What are you trying to teach your kids?

I spend a lot of time making sure my kids do lots of things (baths, pick up toys, brush teeth, etc), but what things should I be teaching my kids they will remember long after I am gone? Things like...what it means to be a authentic man of God, how to love a woman, how to treat strangers, how to control my emotions, memorizing Scripture.

Those are the things I want them to remember. Am I not only thinking about teaching them, but impressing them on their hearts? Do I spend the time teaching them? (NOTE: I spent some time thinking about this earlier this year and you can read my 10 sentences to my boys if you want).

2. Am I living those things out?

My kids watch my actions much more than they listen to me. It does me no good to just say those things over and over and then:
*Lose my temper and yell
*Tell them I don't have time right now to read a Bible story with them
*Blow off their question about the guy on the corner holding the sign when I have $10 in my pocket I could give him.

If I don't live out the things I want to impress on my kids, then I'm wasting my breath telling them how to live.

I need to Live to Impress.

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Tomorrow...Being a Proverbs 31 Man: Personal Decisions That Matter (verses 3-9)

Hello, God...is that You?

2011-03-22T11:40:00.003-04:00

NOTE: This post does not directly relate to fatherhood, raising boys, or marriage. But, the more writing and speaking I do...I want to branch out from those areas I mostly write/speak about and write about other thoughts, insights, and struggles I have.

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Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding. (Prov. 3:13)

How do you know when you hear the voice of God in your life? How do you know it is the Holy Spirit prompting, guiding, counseling you and not just your own nature, or some other spiritual being?

I think there are three ways God speaks to us. With each of these ways, there is a response we need to give in order to ensure obedience and not be led astray by Satan or our own desires.

1. God speaks to us through His Word
This is when you are spending time in the Bible, you read something, and you know it was a word from God.

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training...
(2 Timothy 3:16)

Maybe it is a word of encouragement for a situation you are in...maybe a word of wisdom for a problem you facing...maybe a word of discipline for an area of your life you where you are off track.

The point is...if you are not in God's word (the primary way He speaks to His children) you will not hear Him.

2. God speaks to us through another person
This is when a person may come to you and say, "God told me I needed to pray with you and share something that's on my heart." Maybe it's insight, rebuke, or advice. When someone reaches out to you in this way, you need to accept their word with humility, listen, and make sure you have a clear understanding of what they are saying.

I have said many times, I hear from the Holy Spirit through the lips of my wife more than any other way. I am thankful for her wisdom, discernment, and knowledge. Especially when it is dealing with something that I am just too close to and may not see clearly.

But, how do you know it is God-inspired?

First, check the mood/tone in which it was given. It will always be given in Love. That does not mean it's nice or pleasant to hear. It may be a word of rebuke calling out sin in your life. But, it will always be given in Love. It will not be given with anger, bitterness, malicious intent, or ulterior motives. It will always be given with your best interest in mind. Through out the book of Proverbs, David (and Solomon) reminds his son that he is telling him all these things because he loves him and would never deceive him (See Proverbs 4:11, 8:6-9).

Second, pray for discernment as you think about what was said. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you process what was said and how best to respond (if a response is necessary).

Third, check the word/advice/direction given to you with God's Word. If there is a contradiction with God's Word, the advice is not to be trusted. Godly counsel will never go against God's word.

3. God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit
Jesus said on numerous occasions in the gospel of John, the Holy Spirit will be given to us...and what the Holy Spirit will do for us (See John 14:15-17, 26; 15:26-27; 16:7-15).

The Holy Spirit is...
...our helper
...never going to leave believers
...one who dwells in us
...one brings things of Christ to our mind
...one who bears witness to Christ, allowing us to do the same
...convicting us of sin, teaches us, and guides us to truth

So, when we feel a prompting from the Holy Spirit, what should we do? Simply saying, "The Holy Spirit (or God) told me..." and acting is dangerous.

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.
Proverbs 21:2

Simply saying, "God told me to do this..." and then not confirming it is more than dangerous. It's prideful, arrogant, sinful, and can be destructive.

How can you confirm a prompting from the Holy Spirit?

First, check it against the Word. Like "God-inspired" advice from a friend, the Holy Spirit will never tell you to do anything that is not in line with His word. This is a one great reason to study His word daily. How much easier will be to respond to those promptings if you know the Word of God? Know the Word and being sensitive to the promptings are a sure-fire way to live a life "worthy of the Gospel."

Second, seek Godly counsel from people you love and trust (See Proverbs 12:15). Ask them to pray for you as you discern the prompting. Ask them to pray for insight / wisdom to give you. Remember the points above about God speaking through another person.

So many times, when I'm called to make a difficult decision, I will search the Word, pray for the ability to discern that Word, and then share that with my closest friends. More times than not, my friends will validate my conclusions. But, there are times when they will have a different insight/approach and I need to take those into account. There are also times when they will tell me I am wrong, off base, or question my real motives. It's those times, I need to remember they love me, want what's best for me, and need to really evaluate what I'm doing (or planning to do).

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Two final thoughts:

1. Regardless of how God speaks to you, knowing and being intimate with His Word (the Bible) is critical. Without this knowledge (which should be growing daily), we will never truly know what God wants for our lives.

I have hidden Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You.
(Ps. 119:11)

In today's age it is easy to read lots of books on lots of topics that give Godly advice (dating, marriage, parenting, sex, addiction, even living the Christian life...the list goes on). We are becoming a society that would rather let someone else do all the research and then just take their word for it. I appreciate the writings from guys like Chambers, Tozer, and Grudem, but I need to make sure I take their writings...pray for wisdom / discernment as I read them and validate them with God's Word. Many times what's great about their writings is they are giving Scripture that supports it...but not all the times

Be careful not to just read these books, no matter how Godly / righteous the author, and not search the Bible and pray yourself. Remember, the foot notes in your Life Application Study Bible are not God-inspired...the Scripture is and we need to make sure we are discerning things for our self

2. Without having people in your life that can speak to you openly and honestly, you will never be in a position to clearly hear from God in a way He loves to communicate to his children.

David had Jonathan (and the prophet Nathan). The disciples had each other.

The point is, there has to be someone (or a small group of people) that have access into our life like no one else. They need to see our successes, struggles, and failures. They need to know our plans, wishes, and desires. Because when they are that close, they will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's work in our life and can be our traveling partner, at times our cheerleader/coach, and at times the person who gets us back on track.

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Thoughts? Agree? Disagree?

Don't take my word for it.

dk

Teaching from James MacDonald

2011-03-20T10:08:00.000-04:00

I listen to James MacDonald just about every day in my car. He is the senior pastor at Harvest Bible Chapel outside Chicago, IL.

His weekly radio show is Walk in the Word. I listen to that podcast as well as the weekly sermons from Harvest.

I had the opportunity to visit Harvest last night for the Saturday night service. James is in the middle of a "Family Matter" series. Last week he talked about the wife's role in marriage and last night he preached on the man's role in marriage. I was stoked to hear him present this message in person!

I took a ton of notes and there is no way I can share them all here, but this week you can listen to the message from the Harvest website.

James taught from Ephesians 5:25-32 and I want to share the ways he said men should "love our wives as Christ loved the church". There was SO much more he gave on each point, but I gave some highlights:

Give yourself for her. This means we should: give FIRST...not wait on her to give. Say we are sorry FIRST. Put ALL her needs above ANY of our needs.
Lead her towards spiritual maturity. It starts with me modeling a walk with God. Encourage her by praying for and with her. Ask her about her walk with God.
Protect her. Look out for her as you would your own body. Protect her physically, mentally, emotionally. Make sure your protection feels like love to her...not control.
Nourish her. I need to speak value to her. Tell her what she means to me. Surprise her with praise, gifts, etc. (see Proverbs 3:27).
Put God BEFORE her. A good husband is a Godly one. I can't love her how I am suppose to unless I am growing in God's grace in my own life. Just like last week (when he talked about submission)...Changed women, change men...so Changed men, change women. But, my wife won't want to do her part (submit) if I'm not doing my part (lead).

Related to the last point was the most profound thing he said:

If your marriage isn't growing and getting better every day, and you say you are a Christian, then it's a false spirituality.

Here is what he was getting after I think: Being called to be a husband is the greatest calling we have a human (next to being a follower of Christ). If we are not doing the things we need in leading our wife, but "showing" all this amazing growth in other areas....then we are missing it!

Men...remember I Peter 3:7...if we aren't doing our part (lead as the head) in loving our wives then our prayers will be hindered. (Wives, I think the same statement could be made about your marriage and spirituality...remember Titus 2:5...if you don't do your part (submit as the helper) then the word of God will be dishonored.

Do me a favor men...take an hour and listen to the message this week.

Do me a favor women...share this post with your husband (and then remember to thank him for taking the time to listen and working at his marriage).

Give me three steps...

2011-03-11T15:06:00.000-05:00

It is the most common question I get when I speak to groups of women.

My husband never communicates with me. How do I get my husband to open up and talk about the issues in our relationship that I want to talk about?

Great question.

Here are Three suggestions:

Pray
Certainly praying for your husband is a great start. The book, The Power of a Praying Wife would be a good read if you need some help in this area.

Praise
When I talk with guys, I remind them how important it is to verbalize to their wife how much they love and appreciate all they do. There are no awards, employee of the month plaques, or special parking spaces for my wife to take care of the boys. Her praise needs to come from me!

Think about potty training. When your little toddler is trying to learn to go potty, think about how much praise you give them when only a few drops hit the water! When your husband responds in a way you appreciate (no matter how small a way), be sure to tell him! That encouragement will want him to do it more! When your husband leads (or makes a good decision for the family), tell him how thankful you are for it!

One of the biggest shows of love Amber has given to me in the last couple of months was when she thanked me for the life insurance I have. She told me how comforting it is to know she won't have to go back to work if something should happen to me. She thanked me for caring enough to spend money on that and told me how secure that makes her feel.

Powerful Pronouns
When you want to talk with your husband about something important related to your family or your relationship with him, be careful how you start the conversation. Many times it is going to be a subject that you have thought about a lot and have a lot emotion built up about. Be careful not to let that emotion set a tone for the conversation where he knows you really upset with him because he just will not want to talk about it.

When you start the conversation, make your statement of resentment using the pronoun "I" instead of "you". Instead of, "You are killing this family financially with the decisions you are making!"...try..."I am really concerned about our family's financial health. Could we sit down and talk about it?" See the difference?
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Now, there are some cases where you need to be praying, but praise and powerful pronouns won't work. Do not be afraid to tell him how upset you are and how important it is he talk to you like an adult to address some of these issues. I finally went to Financial Peace University because of my wife's constant prayer and her, in no uncertain terms, telling me why she needed me to grow up, act like an adult, and help her with our finances.

And men...it's time the boy in you die. Stop acting like a 15-year old and deal with the real, grown up issues in your life.

If you don't, then you have no right to ever complain (publicly, privately, to God) about why your job stinks, your relationship with your wife isn't better, why your kids don't respect you, and why you feel God ignores you. I Peter 3:7 says, if we don't give our wife "honor and praise" (read: loving her as God has charged us with), then our prayers to him will "be hindered" (read: God doesn't hear you).

Ladies...if you have other ways you have found to get your husbands to open up, please share them in the comments section below.

dk

Head & Heart

2011-03-03T20:20:00.001-05:00

I need to make sure my head and heart are with my family.

A really good friend told me this the other day. The implications behind it are so obvious (and something I knew) but it was a great reminder to me.

In this stage of life (married 12 years; four boys, 7 and under; focusing on my career; etc) there is no doubt my head is in this game. With my boys it has to be to survive!

I've said before how Kaehr, Inc. is a well-run business. I am the CEO and Amber is everything else! While not always smooth, our house and lives run pretty well. Kids get fed. Baths get taken. Buses get made. Homework gets done. Doctor visits get scheduled. Breathing treatments get given. The list could go on forever.

But, as good as our business is...when Liam graduates high school and leaves the house, I don't want to be married to a business partner. I do not want to look across the table at Amber (in an empty house) and say, "Tell me who you are again and what do you like?" I don't want to have to try and fall in love all over again.

I need to make sure my heart is in my marriage as much as my head is my marriage. What does that look like?

It means I need to have conversations with Amber about things going on in her life (and mine) outside of kids.
It means I need to make sure we have time away from the kids to reconnect emotionally and physically.
It means I need to give Amber time away from us for personal time to grow friendships with other women. Otherwise, she won't have anything to talk about but our family!

There is no doubt my head and heart are in it when it comes to raising my boys (many times it is more my head then my heart...remember, they need my heart too). With life moving at 100 mph sometimes and Amber and I just trying to get to bedtime, my head is our relationship.

But, I need to make sure my heart is in my relationship as well. I need to be intentional about making sure in these crazy years of life, we don't just run a great family, only to find out 18 years from now the only connection we had keeping us together was the kids.

dk

The Death of a Boy

2011-02-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

Over the last two weeks I've had the opportunity to speak to a couple of different MOPS groups.

The first time I was presenting on "The Power of Mom", speaking about the power moms of young boys have and how their husband was (and still is) impacted by his relationship with his mom. Earlier this week, I was on men's panel answering a broad range of questions from a group of moms.

Both times, the questions at the end were the same:

"How do I get my husband to open up more and talk?"
"My husband chooses his mom over me. What can I do?"
"How do I get my husband to show me more love?"
"Why won't he help around the house more?"
"What can I do get my husband to engage our kids more?"

The questions like this went on and on. Unfortunately, there is no silver bullet for these questions. There is only so much a wife can do to support, love, and encourage her husband to be an Authentic Man. The breakthrough will only happen when the man decides it's time. The phrase I have used through Men's Fraternity is, "The boy in you must die."

As a man, you have decide you are going to put the scared little boy in you to death and deal with the grown up issues facing you. You do it everyday at work, but when it comes to your home, you wilt. Until the boy in you dies...as he relates to his wife, the relationship with his mom and dad, his kids, etc, you will always feel like your life isn't all it should be.

In reality, it isn't.

There is so much more waiting for you. You have to decide to reject that passivity that is so normal in all men, put the boy to death, and face those issues you've been avoiding (consciously or unconsciously).

Need a place to start?
**Find a Men's Fraternity group to join
**Join a men's bible study and find other men you can share with (nothing you are experiencing is unique to you...I promise)
**Read a book (Wild at Heart is a good place to start)

dk

Colder Weather

2011-02-19T08:13:00.001-05:00

Recently I have had the song Colder Weather, by The Zac Brown Band on replay.

He said, I wanna see you again, but I'm stuck in colder weather.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, can I call you then?

She said you're a rambling man, you ain't ever gonna change.
You got a gypsy soul to blame and you were born for leaving.

Thursday, I spoke to a group of MOPS about some guy issues and raising boys. As I took questions from the moms about getting their husbands more involved in their marriage, I kept thinking about being "stuck in colder weather."

As men, I think we can spend a lot of time in colder weather that keeps us out of engaging our wives in meaningful ways. It's in our nature to not deal with issues that cripple us.

What is some colder weather you are stuck in?

Let me give you a few common ones that we guys deal with:
**Are you harboring resentment towards your wife...that you need to deal with?
**Are there issues with your dad from growing up...that you need to deal with?
**Is your mom playing a role in your life she shouldn't be...that you need to deal with?
**Do you have some "friends" that aren't a good influence...that you need to deal with?

Notice a theme? None of those things listed are to be used as excuses, but you have to recognize them, so you can deal with them. Until you deal with them, they will be a weight pulling you down.

**If you resent your wife for something, talk with her, be honest. Ask yourself why you are resentful.
**If your dad hurt you in someway, forgive him. If he is alive, tell him you forgive him. Tell him you love him.
**If you are still too emotionally connected to you mom, you need to cut that emotional cord. Remember...you are married to your wife, not your mom.
**If you don't have a small group of men that can speak truth into your life and encourage you "up", then take the courage to find some.

It takes effort to get it right. If you aren't happy with where things are in your life (personally, professionally, spiritually, etc), get out of the colder weather.

Come inside by the fire. You'll find a whole group of guys in here standing around...trying to warm up and figure it out.

Join us.

d.

10 Sentences

2011-02-07T20:44:00.001-05:00

Arguably, the Gettysburg Address is the most famous speech in American history. Given by President Lincoln on the battlefield at Gettysburg, he spoke as they were dedicating part of the area as a final resting place for soldiers killed.

Did you know:
**President Lincoln was not the "key note" speaker of the day?
**The Gettysburg Address took less than 2 minutes to deliver?
**It is made up of 10 sentences?
**There are only 246 words?

At a recent conference, I was listening to Mark Sanborn give these facts and he was using them as an illustration for the importance of leaders being clear and concise when communicating with employees.

As I listened, I immediately thought of the movie, My Life with Michael Keaton. In the movie, Michael finds out he has terminal cancer and he may not live to see his wife give birth to their first child. A son. So, he sets out making a video for his son. He teaches the boy about life. Big and small things: How to enter a room and shake hands. How to talk with women. How to shave. Etc, etc, etc.

I began to think about the movie and "10 sentences" I would want communicate with my boys...especially if I was not around. I do not want to leave it to chance that I will always be around to teach my boys and help them grow in the men God has called me to raise into.

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Boys, I want you to know some things. I want you always to honor, respect, and love your mom and that means looking out for her and protecting her when I am not around.

Be a man that rejects passivity, leads courageously, accepts responsibility, and expects the greater reward in life. If you don't know how to do that yet, don't worry, I have a group of men that will show you what that means if I am not here to do it - I have given them clear instruction and they are men you can look to as guides as you become men. As you learn what it means to be an authentic man, I expect you to teach it to your younger brothers and your sons.

Even when you don't feel like it, love your wife, put her above everyone else and always die to self. Remember, you are called to give your wife honor and praise and you will be held accountable to God for how well you do this.

Most importantly, recognize your need for the Savior. Remember, it's about Grace; not about being perfect, trying to earn anything...but accepting the gift of Jesus.

Know that I love you and am proud of you...I always have been.

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10 Sentences. 211 Words.

I truly believe it is my responsibility to teach my boys and lead them into manhood. So, that requires thought and planning. Not just planning for how I am going to do it...but how I am going to do it even if I am not here.

These "10 sentences" are a good start on the path to making sure I get it done.

dk

Show Some Heart

2011-02-02T14:39:00.002-05:00

Boys need to see the heart of their father.

Before the Industrial Revolution, boys spent the days with their dads in the fields. A son saw the best hours of his dad's day. They saw his strength and work ethic. Once men went to work in factories, the only part of dad a boy would see is what was left when they got home from work (which was usually just enough strength to sit in a chair, read the paper, and have a drink).

It is important your boys see you work. They need to see you get passionate about things (not just cussing and angry...but passionate). They need to see you problem solve. They need to see you love their mother. They need to see you come alive. They need to know it is OK to get "fired up" about Stuff. Fun Stuff and important Stuff.

They need to see your heart.

Not only do they need to see your heart, but as importantly, they need to feel your heart. You need to tell your boys you love them. They need to hear you say it. They need to know it is alright for them to show love towards each other. They need to feel your strong hands hug them and show them love. Rub their backs while you hug them. Cuddle with them. Run your fingers through their hair. Touch them gently.

I came across a song by a folk artist named John Smith. He has a song called Father's Day. The song is about the first time he heard his dad say, "I love you". (You can listen to the song and read all the words HERE). But the last chorus does a beautiful job of capturing why it is so important to tell your sons you love them.

The Strange thing, about it is
I never knew I had a hole inside that big
But I guess I did, because there it was
Cryin’ right out loud, saying fill me up
Yea so now I try, to do my best
To tell my kids I love ‘em every chance I get
Funny how a few small words, can run so deep
Make a baby smile, make a grown man weep.

I love the line, "funny how a few small words, can run so deep". How true. Those words (and the heart) behind it will give your the strength they need to be boys.

Boys that, with their father as their guide, will grow into authentic men.

What Matters

2011-01-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

Conviction. That's what I get for eavesdropping.

I was sitting at a table after the Winning class and I was listening to the group next to me have a discussion. We just finished a lesson on our kids and how it's important to spend time with them, etc. When he asked the question, everything froze. I didn't hear anyone talking or notice anyone else. I was too busy pondering the question and the answer...which I knew I wouldn't like.

What one thing of significance have you done in the last week for your kids?

Good Question.

I spend so much time worrying about so many things every week. What makes it harder to deal with is the things I worry about aren't all bad...my job, loving my wife, surviving the day with 4 boys, etc. BUT, what did I do last week that will have a real lasting impact in their life? For the good?

Did I pray with them?
Did we learn a Bible verse?
Was I able to have a conversation with one of them about an important life lesson?

It's a question I am going to ask myself every week this year. My goal is to answer it "yes" for each one of my sons.

So....how about you?

-dk

The Power of Effort

2010-12-23T06:43:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, I was honored to attend my first "manhood ceremony". The son was turning 13 years old. His dad is in the Winning class, went through The Quest last year and, instead of watching his son just grow up, had committed to leading his son into Manhood.

What a great night! Dad had invited 8 guys to a cabin to enjoy dinner with his son. Included in the group were the son's 2 grandfathers and his great-grandfather. He had given each of us a topic to talk to his son about. He gave no real direction, just said, "Dustin, I want you to talk about Leadership. Keep it under 5 minutes."

I am not sure I can describe the feelings I had sitting there. I had the urge to "remove my sandals".

As I heard the boy's grandfathers speak about work ethic and patience and then great-grandfather speak about integrity, I was moved to tears of joy thinking about the days ahead when I can have these moments with my boys. I was also moved to tears because as I watched these two older generations speak wisdom and truth to their grandson, I missed my dad. In fact, I missed him more in that moment than any other in the last year.

Proverbs 20:7(NASB)...A righteous man who walks in his integrity--How blessed are his sons after him.

I saw this verse in action tonight. Through 4 generations.

Earlier in the night, my friend's wife asked me if I had any thoughts / tips for making this a successful night. "The fact your husband took the time to plan this night, puts him ahead of 98% of the fathers out there."

The Power of the ceremony lies in the effort. If you have a son, there is no greater call then raising your boy(s) into Manhood. (Moms...the same goes for you and your daughters). This can only be done through the Power of ceremony. The ceremony only happen with effort.

After all the men spoke, the dad talked about these subjects to be the foundation of things important in Manhood. Then he introduced the son to the four characteristics of Authentic Manhood from Men's Fraternity. He encouraged his son to come along on this journey to Manhood. He challenged his son to hold him accountable to being a real man the son would want to follow. He told his son the men in this room were guys he relied on...and were men his son could rely on too.

Then he wrapped up the ceremony with these words:

"I want every man here to know how much I love you. How proud I am of you. How great of a son you are."

I cried again.

Thanks, Nate for the reminder of the Power of Effort.
Happy Birthday, Chase. Your dad cares about you more than you can know.

dk
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Post Script: For a great read on Manhood Ceremonies, you can check out Robert Lewis' book, Raising a Modern Day Knight and visit the website at RMDK.com.

Dear Dad,

2010-12-16T00:03:00.002-05:00

Dear Dad,

It's been one year since I've heard your voice in person. It's hard to believe that 1 year ago tonight I received the call that you had left this world and went to be with Jesus. I have this blog and for the last several weeks I have been trying to figure out what I should write on the 1-year anniversary of your death. There are so many emotions, thoughts, memories, and stories to reflect on from your life and this past year I have lived with out you.

I love music and enjoy singing, talent not withstanding. I remember as a kid singing to the oldies with mom in the car. I remember Sunday mornings you listening to Phipps Gospel Sing on the radio and signing (to songs at the time I thought were awful). So, I thought I would reflect back on this past year and some of your life in three songs I have listened to when I've thought about you.
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Seasons of Love (RENT, the movie)

LYRICS:
It's time now, to sing out
Though the story never ends
Let's celebrate, remember
A year of life of friends
Remember the Love...

I look back on this past year and think about friends and love. I am thankful that in most of my relationships with people, I am closer now to them than a year ago. I am closer to Amber now than I was a year ago. I remember the life you lived and feel more love for you now than I did a year ago. Dad, I am so happy to say that Love has been a major theme for me, Amber and the boys this past year.
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Cryin' For Me, Toby Keith

LYRICS:
You showed me how I'm supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die

I'm gonna miss that smile
I'm gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I'd do it all again

I heard this song one day in my car early in the Spring. The emotions were instant and the song has been a favorite of mine ever since. I play it every now and then and smile thinking about you. The times I missed you the most this past year were in the little things. Something would happen and I would think, "Dad would love this...I wish I could call him." It usually had to do with something funny and I miss the humor we shared. I miss your smile and laugh.
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Save A Place For Me, Matthew West

LYRICS:
I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time, just like did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky, just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...until I get there....
Save a place for me

I just heard this song recently and I was hooked. As I look back on the last year and where God has led me and my family, I am more thankful for you than I ever have been. I am thankful I was able to see you live the life God made you for. I am glad you were able to do what you loved until it was time for you to go.

I look back on your life and I don't mourn...but I miss you. I am thankful for the time we had. I appreciate your example and think about you daily as I strive to figure out exactly what God has called me to.

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I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 3:4 (NIV)

I want my life to be a reflection of you. I want my life to bring your life honor and joy. Because of you, not only do I have the Truth, but I know what living it out should look like.
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The righteous man walks in his integrity; blessed (happy, fortunate, enviable) are his children after him. Proverbs 20:7 (Amplified)

I am so happy, fortunate, and enviable because of you. Not because you were the perfect father. Because you understood, accepted, and shared the saving grace of Jesus. In so many ways, the life you were living the last 4 years is the benchmark for me. In the year after my death, I want to make sure my boys have, feel, and experience these same rewards of my integrity. Thank you for your integrity.
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We had our Kaehr Christmas this past weekend. Last year at the Christmas was the last time we saw you. The image I have burned in my brain was when, from across the room, I watched you have an intimate conversation with Aunt Jean. I watched you both cry a bit and then embrace....like you knew it was your last on this earth. I am sure you shared that same embrace in July when she joined you in Heaven.

I have no doubt you have enjoyed your time in His presence. You preached about how you couldn't wait to walk into the Throne Room and sit at His feet and let Him teach you. I imagine you have hounded guys like Paul, Peter, Abraham, David, Oswald, Lewis, and Tozer with question after question. Like I said at your funeral service, you finished the race and finished strong. Enjoy the reward.

Tell Grandpa I love him and miss him.

Love ya', Eddie.

Your son,
Dustin

Three years in the life (Part 4)

2010-12-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

Part 4: A year like no other
Isn't it funny? Just when you think you have finally figured some things out and have a clear picture of where you are going...

On October 30, my mom had a heart attack caused by stress.
On November 4, Amber’s parents told they were separating.
November 9th brought Liam Scott into our world. What a joy!

My dad, who had a pace maker put in earlier in the summer, spent the 6 days prior to Thanksgiving in the hospital. My men’s class was going great and I was discovering a gift from God for my love of teaching and leading men to be better men, husbands and fathers. I was becoming a better man, husband, and father.

I taught at Men's Fraternity on December 15th. We were discussing our Father Wounds. I read the men a letter I had given my dad 3 weeks earlier and encouraged them to take the time to write a letter to their fathers. I got home that night and we went to bed about 11:00 PM.

We woke a little after midnight up to my mom trying to wake us up while leaving a message. I called her back. Dad had what appeared to be a heart attack and was on the way to the hospital. I could tell in her voice…he was gone.

He was 53.

We knew it was coming. We knew the Amalyoid had taken over his body (later the doctor would say he wouldn’t of been surprised if dad would of died in August). Amber and I were preparing for our last Christmas with him, and I had just spoken to him on the phone earlier in the day. We had a great conversation about life and I was teasing him about the colonoscopy he had coming up.

“Love you, dad.”
“Love you too. See ya soon.”

As I made the 2 hour drive in silence toward Decatur, I was flooded with all the good memories of my dad. I spent more time smiling and laughing than crying. He had spent the last year teaching and preaching. I saw a gift in him I never knew he had. Seeing God work in your father’s life is one of the greatest joys a man can have. He had spoken just about 8 weeks earlier about death. He used his casket as a prop (the pine box Elmer Miller had built him, at his request). Who could have guessed he would have needed it so quickly?

The following days were spent planning the service, spending time with friends, lots of laughing, crying and reflection. The outpouring from friends, family, and strangers during the viewing was amazing. The funeral service on December 19th was…the best worship service I have ever been to. I felt better leaving the service than when I did walking in. The changing power of God in my dad’s life was on full display. I was called to better use that same Power I have, because no doubt I had been silencing that Power in my own life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
Romans 8:28, 37

We got through Christmas and came into 2010 with lots going on. My men’s class was still going strong and I was getting more out of the class than I could image. God was using the class to make me better in so many areas. Despite my shortcomings and things I didn’t want to let go of, God was working. He was using the class, my best friend Jon Heyerly, and my wife to make me better.

Spring and summer and were full of activities and us having fun as a family. We made trips to the cottage, trips to zoos, and trips to Lake Michigan. Amber was getting more involved in MOPS and now on the Steering Team. I was taking on more and more with the Men’s Ministry and led an amazing Men’s retreat for about 50 men. I spoke at Amber’s MOPS about men’s issues and God is using Men’s Fraternity to talk to other MOPS groups about guy’s issues and how wife can help their husband be a better man.

Year 2 of Men’s Fraternity started this fall. Winning at Home and Work has made my marriage better and opened my eyes to so many opportunities to be a better husband and father. I am getting closer to God and I have been convicted to get into His Word more over these last 4 weeks.

Conclusion…with the point
A year ago, if you were to ask me about our move to Goshen, I would have talked about how much God blessed us for making the move. I would have shared about finding our neighborhood and how much we love our neighbors. I would have told you about how we found River Oaks and all the good and wonderful things God was doing in our lives.

I think I missed what God had really been doing.

I go back to the story in Genesis when Jacob and his sons settle in Goshen and how it was the best land in all of Egypt. I would reflect on how they prospered there.

What did I miss?
Jacob and his sons left their promised land in Israel and headed to Egypt. They left because there was a famine in Israel and they would not have survived if that had not moved.

We are so far from where we were nearly a year ago. Amber and I are closer and more in love today than ever. We are better friends than we were a year ago. We are on the same page in so many areas of our lives. Our marriage is stronger now than ever.

I don’t think that would be the case if were living in what we thought was our “promised land”. With all the stresses on our extended families, being that close would have no doubt driven a wedge between us. This distance is exactly what God knew we needed. His primary reasons for moving us up here was not necessarily to bless us with new lifetime friends, showing us talents He gave us to use, and plugging us into a church we are more than just passively attending. He moved us here to protect us.

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the Day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

My first real contact with the Great and Living God has happen in these last 525,600 minutes. He stepped into my life and the life of my family and directed our paths…even when I thought I was making these decisions after prayer and consideration.

When I was not doing the things He wanted, He was there.
When I was doing the things he did not want me to do, He was there.

Here is hoping you experience a real contact with the Living God…and recognize it.

To know God thinks about me is the beginning of my journey of faith.
A.W. Tozer

Three years in the life (Part 3)

2010-12-09T22:00:00.009-05:00

Part 3: The Land of Goshen

I started my new job in November 2007. I was traveling daily up into Southwest Michigan calling on stores, which involved leaving home early in the morning and getting home late.

We put our home up for sale the day before Thanksgiving. My company had a great relocation package and we were confident we would be able to sell our home for what we were asking, even though the housing market had started to collapse. We also started the process of looking for a new home in the Goshen / Middlebury area. We looked at a lot of homes. And looked. And looked. And looked.

There was a time in late December we were beginning to think we wouldn’t find a home were comfortable moving into. We knew we were not going to be able to afford living in the country, but there were lots of homes on the market. We looked at over 30 homes in person and dozens more online. We found our home in January and really saw the opportunity and possibilities. It was built in 2006 but had barely been lived in. It was big enough for our growing family and because of motivated sellers we were able to get a pretty good deal.

We closed in mid-February 2008. We took immediate possession and got to work right away. Again, the Heyerly’s and my in-laws were instrumental in helping us get the home ready. Over the next six weekends we re-painted the entire house and took the basement from bare walls and floors to completely finished. We framed, hung drywall, primed, painted, hung doors, and trim in those six weekends. The carpet was laid the day before we moved in.

“…settle…in the best part of the land. Let them live in Goshen. Now the Israelites settled in Egypt in the region of Goshen. They acquired property there and were fruitful…”
Genesis 47:6, 27

We were living in a neighborhood that was so much better than we could have hoped. There were other young boys and moms that were home with their boys. Not only did Amber support the decision, she embraced it by getting involved with new friends, MOPS, and beginning the church search.

My Aunt Kris told us a friend of hers from college was working at a church up here somewhere but she wasn’t sure where. We tried 6 or 7 different churches before we visited River Oaks. We came to the second service after being at another church earlier.

They sat us in the front row of a full service. We really enjoyed the Worship. Scott Tilley was speaking with a couple that was newer to the church about getting connected (Bruce and Julie Bergdall). He introduced the new Community Grill, which was a way for people to get connected with others in the church. We left that service and signed up. Amber started getting involved in MOPS and I had started to attend the Thursday morning men’s study.

In the fall of 2008 Amber and I were ready to get into a small group. We had talked about starting our own or maybe joining one. I called Scott Tilley to have breakfast with him. I wanted to talk about small groups and what sort of Men’s Ministry things were going on. We had a great breakfast talking about why we were up here in Goshen and how we were looking to get more involved in a church. We decided to have breakfast again in a couple of weeks.

“Strange question for you,” Scott said as we sat down that morning. “Do you know someone named Kris Cisney?”

I stared at him. “Uh, yeah. That’s my Aunt.”

Turns out, Scott was the friend my Aunt was telling us about. Kris set up Scott and his wife, Tammy on their first date while they were all at Anderson University. Scott remembers me when I was 7 or 8 and came to hang out with Kris while they both were a Resident Directors at Anderson. This was my first glimpse into the work God was doing…or what I thought he was doing.

We got plugged into a small group that Fall. In the Spring of 2009, our small group leaders told us they were moving and they asked us to lead the group. God knew what he was doing when he had us join that group instead of starting a new one. There were some great new friendships in that group that are key in our lives today. We also found out Amber was expecting baby number four. Later that summer, we found out boy number four would be coming in November.

Our neighborhood was great and Amber was making some new lifetime friends. They had similar interests and she was really feeling really connected in this, our still-new community. That summer, over breakfast of course, Scott Tilley asked if I would teach a Men’s class that fall – The Quest for Authentic Manhood. This was my first introduction to the Men’s Fraternity material. I spent the next several months getting ready to teach the class. The material was really stretching me and I was excited to get it started. It was a 6-month class and when that first night finally came I was ready to start on this great adventure leading a group of 30 men. It was October 27, 2009.

God had truly blessed us as we made a tough decision to move away from family and friends for this new job that had many professional positives for me and personal positives for our family. I was reflecting on the verse in Jeremiah 29 again about “…God’s plans to prosper you…” I should have remembered the next 5 words: “…and not to harm you…”

No one could have imagined what the next 9 weeks would bring.
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Part 4 of 4 will be posted tomorrow night.

Three years in the life (Part 2)

2010-12-08T20:44:00.000-05:00

Part 2: The job is where?!?
The summer was everything we hoped it would be. The boys loved the freedom to run and play outside with their new kittens (Jackson and Bucko). We all were enjoying the quite nights of the country. Life was going good. We were settling in with a new baby.

Church was good. I use words like “routine” and “comfortable” to describe our spiritual state. At the time, we felt that was good thing. I look back now and think “sheltered” might be a better word to describe our interactions with God, church, and friends from church.

In September 2007, there was a new job opening at Do it Best Corp. It was for a Retail Development Specialist (RDS). This is a position we had looked at 2 years earlier and turned down. I really wanted to be an RDS, but at the time we were not comfortable moving to Grand Rapids, MI. It was too far from home and we knew there were more kids on the way.

So, I came home and told Amber another RDS position had opened up. She was disappointed when I told her it wasn’t in the Fort Wayne area, but in Northwest Indiana / Southwest Michigan. If I went after the job, we would have to move…probably to the Elkhart county area. There were some good things about that area (that allowed us to even consider the job): It would have been close to the lake cottage at Wawasee. Travis and Natalie Kolter were living in Middlebury and we would be close to some great friends we had not been around in a long time.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies; She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:10, 26

“Over my dead body will I move again. We have only been here a few months!” Amber was in her dream career with all she had longed for professionally. She was job sharing so she could spend time at home and at work. She was in the mist of helping to design and run a $6.5 million wellness center for a retirement community. All of this within 8 miles of the place we wanted to live more than anywhere else. After a few weeks though, Amber said she would support my decision. She did not say she would make the decision, but she would support it. It was my decision to make and for the first time, I felt the weight of being the head of the home. It was the first time, because for so long I was passive / silent in that role.

It was not an easy decision.
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Part 3 of 4 will be posted tomorrow night.

Three years in the life (Part 1)

2010-12-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

Background

This is a story (for my family) that is too good not to write down. I wanted to have something to share with the boys about a time when, I believe our family came in real contact with the Living God.

The story really starts in the Winter of 2006. It was over Christmas that year Amber and I approached my dad and mom about buying their home. Amber and I wanted to move out of Bluffton, into the country, and back into Adams Central school district because Evan was only a couple of years away from beginning school. It was a perfect place for us to raise our still growing family (Amber was pregnant with Owen at the time). It was what we considered a home we would live in forever and we had all sorts of plans for it…and us.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I sure thought I knew those plans. I look back now and wonder how I could have known His plans when I really wasn’t in touch with Him.

Part 1: The move before The Move
The deal was done. We had agreed to purchase my parents’ home and quickly put our home up for sale. It was the Winter of 2006 and the housing market was still soaring. We decided to sale our home on our own. Our neighbor actually knew a couple that was getting married and he thought they would be perfect for our house in Bluffton. We had lived in that home for nearly two years, the value had increased and we were blessed to sell the home for nearly what we were asking. As Amber and I left the closing, we were reflecting on how God had blessed us in selling the home and making a profit that would help fund our dream in the country.

We closed on the sale of our home and purchased the new home early in the Spring of 2007. My parents were moving into Berne and we were able to have 6 weeks to get the house ready. There was a lot of work we needed to do before we moved in.

We re-painted the entire interior. New carpet was laid. New flooring in the entry and bathroom. We installed kitchen cupboards, an island, and dishwasher. We installed two new heat pumps and duct work for the entire upstairs. It all never would of happen with out friends and Amber’s parents!

For several weeks, Amber would work (as best she could) during the day and after the kids were put to bed, I would head out to paint and work. It was during this time, our friendship with the Heyerly’s really bloomed. Jon was always helping me do something at the house. We had been in a Thursday morning bible study together and he was growing by leaps and bound in his Faith, and I was inspired to be more responsible with my Faith.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

This friendship would become more important than Amber and I could ever imagine. God knew that and used this time to set the foundation of that friendship during that move.

We moved in over Memorial Day weekend in 2007 with the help of many friends and family. Jon and Liz stayed until almost 11:00 PM helping us unpack boxes.

Owen Phillip was born on June 11, 2007. Boy number three was added to the family and we were all looking forward to our first (of many) summers in the country.

No one was ready for what happen next.
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Part 2 of 4 will be posted tomorrow night.

A Father Must...

2010-12-01T20:00:00.001-05:00

I was given this by someone in the Winning class - he picked up from some parenting curriculum he was reviewing. We have started talking about parenting and being a dad, so I thought I would share:

A Father Must...
1. Cultivate a sense of family identity.
2. Regularly demonstrate love to his wife.
3. Understand and respect his child's private world.
4. Give his children the freedom to fail.
5. Be the encourager of the family.
6. Guard his tongue and his tone and learn to measure his response in line with the excitement on their faces.
7. Routinely embrace his children.
8. Build the trusting relationship on God's Word, not on human wisdom.

Thoughts?

The Dazzle Effect

2010-11-17T23:27:00.000-05:00

By looking at a zebra, you wouldn't think their stripes are much for camouflage from their number one predator, the lion. They sort of stick out like a sore thumb.

But, their stripes are actually the perfect design to protect them from the lion. It's called The Dazzle Effect.

From howstuffworks.com:
"When all the zebras keep together as a big group, the pattern of each zebra's stripes blends in with the stripes of the zebras around it. This is confusing to the lion, who sees a large, moving, striped mass instead of many individual zebras. The lion has trouble picking out any one zebra, and so it doesn't have a very good plan of attack. It's hard for the lion to even recognize which way each zebra is moving: Imagine the difference in pursuing one animal and charging into an amorphous blob of animals moving every which way. The lion's inability to distinguish zebras also makes it more difficult for it to target and track weaker zebras in the herd."

The lion has no trouble bringing down a zebra, but when the zebra stays close to the group...advantage zebra. The Dazzle Effect.

Do you have The Dazzle Effect in your life? Did you know you needed it?

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8, NIV)

Do you have a herd you run with? This is much easier for women. But, for guys, getting connected to other guys is something we just are not as comfortable doing. I am not just talking about some guys you see or talk to regularly, or guys you just have breakfast with every Tuesday. When you are with those guys, do you have meaningful conversations. About your daily struggles at home? At work? With the kids? With your addictions? Are you connecting on a deeper level than just superficial jabber? Is there a purpose for your meeting?

If not, I want to challenge you to get together with a friend this week. Ask them how they are doing. Tell them how you are doing...and be honest. Don't just say, "I'm fine. Things are good." Put yourself out there and have some real conversations!

The deeper your connections, the deeper you go into The Dazzle Effect.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. (Proverbs 27:17, The Message)

Fight or Flight: The only option for conflit?

2010-11-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

Wikipedia defines Flight or Fight: The biological response of animals to stress.

Unfortunately, I believe it is also the primary response of many couples when there is conflict in their marriage. Our reaction to conflict is, at times, instinctual. We often model some of the behavior we saw growing up.

FIGHT
Fighting is never good. It escalates the conflict. When we argue we are only looking to accuse and prove we are right. Fighting is not the solution because it creates a conflict that never ends and usually there is some old resentment from a previous conflict is brought back up.

Proverbs 30:33: "For as churning cream produces better, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."

What a great metaphor! How many times have I "twisted my wife's nose" because that is how I feel most comfortable dealing with conflict?

So if Fight isn't the answer, then Flight must be, right?

FLIGHT
When there is conflict, do you simply get away from it, not deal with, and let it just get "swept under the rug". Not dealing with conflict is never a good option.

Ephesians 4:26: "...do not let the sun go down on your anger."

Not dealing it (whatever the issue, no matter how small) only will lead to resentment (and escalated isolation) and nothing will create a wedge in a relationship that is deeper and harder to overcome than resentment.

Resentment is one of the most powerful human emotions. Even when justified, if you have resentment, it will change you. It becomes the lens through which you see everything. It begins to poison everything in a relationship and everything in you. Resentment = The Cancer to Closeness

A Better Way?
So, what is the right answer? When couples look at each other and say "Let's talk." Notice that "Let's" is plural. Both talk. Both listen. Both sit down with a spirit of openness. The result is Understanding, Forgiveness, and Understanding.

When that happens, the conflict gets resolved and growth happens. Growth is the sign of a healthy relationship.

So, remember...the next time there is conflict, Fight or Flight isn't the only option. Let's talk can be the best two words you could say.

Shining in the Shadow

2010-11-02T15:05:00.001-04:00

"A righteous man who walks in his integrity, how blessed are his sons after him" Proverbs 20:7 (NASB)

This past weekend, I was back at the church my dad went to (my mom still does) and it was the first time I was in the building since December 19, 2009...the day of his funeral. As I walked through, sang, listened, and talked with friends, it felt like all eyes were on me. I know they weren't. It just felt that way.

As I sat there, I was reminded of the verse above. I was also reminded of the great man my father was and how proud I felt to be basking in the glory of his shadow.

The more I thought about that, the more I thought about my own boys and my own shadow.

Do I cast a shadow my boys will feel good in? Are my actions and words something that will make my boys proud of the man I am? If not, why not? What could be more important than passing down integrity to Evan, Jojo, Owen, and Liam.

Of all the things I can give my boys (trips, money, time, etc, etc, etc), shouldn't I be most concerned with something that will last long after I am gone?

If you are father, what kind of shadow do you cast? Is it a shadow your sons would love to 'bask' in someday?

Knowing is half the battle...

2010-10-30T12:54:00.000-04:00

...actually doing something with that knowledge is the other (and more important) half.

If you are involved in the Winning class, this past week you learned more about your personality and your wife's personality. For some, it was the first time you have ever given much thought to how your personalities impact your marriage. Now that you have that knowledge...what are you going to do it with it? If you learn something new about your wife (or husband, ladies) and then don't act on it, what good is that knowledge.

If you know your wife is a strong "Melancholy", do you treat her in a way that speaks to her strengths?

If she is a strong "Sanguine" and thrives on compliments, are you speaking to that need daily?

You can learn more about the Four Temperaments here.

Keep having conversations with your spouse. Keep asking questions to learn more...then act with that knowledge, so you can live with her in an understanding way (I Peter 3:7).

The Big Four

2010-10-25T19:56:00.000-04:00

This week we talked about the Big Four needs that our wife / girlfriend has...and how we need to use those as our benchmark for how we are doing in relating to them! Remember, the Big Four are:

1. Security (Financial and Relational)
2. Conversational Companionship
3. Significance
4. Affection (not sex)

They are not guys, so we can't think like a guy when we relate to them (remember understanding way). We need to expand our knowledge of our wife's needs so we can love her how she needs to be loved.

Remember...
What you don't know about women will hurt you.
Men get down on what they are not up on.

Are you up on relating to your wife? Are you trying? Do you realize you don't get it, and having humility, try to find a better way, then execute for better results?

To often, we get comfortable with how we love our wife, because one time, that one thing we did worked really well. So, we keep doing it. Over and over. Or, we love our wife how we want to be loved...and don't give a second thought to her needs / desires. Or, we only take the effort to show our wife love relating to the BIG days (birthdays, anniversary, etc), and not make an effort to show our wife love and appreciation daily.

A man that has been married for more than 5 years and says, "I just don't know what my wife wants from me" is immature, selfish, and not trying.

Try. Try something different. Try something new. Try something you would usually never do. Just TRY! Your wife will appreciate the effort to connect with her in a different way...and you will begin to finally understand the idea of "dying to live".

The Paradox Principle

2010-10-16T06:30:00.001-04:00

Paradox (as defined by Webster): A seeming absurd but possibly true statement

The Paradox Principle says if you want to live a better life, there are parts of your life that must die. The idea of having to die to live is a great paradox.

From a worldly view it makes no sense. The world tells us to get as much as we can. Get it however we can. It is a view that has no regard for others. It has no regard for serving others. It has no regard for loving others.

Once you become mature enough to realize that everything is not about you all the time (a real shocker, I know), you are one step closer to understanding die to live.

If we truly want better homes, kids, jobs, or anything else, we must be willing to first die within those areas. Then they will get better.

If you want a better marriage, you need to give up some of your selfish behavior and focus on fulfilling your wife's needs and loving her more. Saying your martial trouble would get better, "If she would only..." is selfish and will never lead to a better marriage. If you want your wife to be more romatic, maybe you need to be more romantic.
If you want a better relationship with my kids, you cannot say, "If they would only....". If you want your kids not to mouth back, maybe you should not yell at them.
If you want more fulfillment from your job, saying, "If my boss would only..." is not the answer. If you want recognition for your work, maybe you need to do something worth noticing.

We have to be willing to give up (read: die) those things in our life that are the real root of our dissatisfaction. I must be willing to love others more than myself. When I do not get out of my life what I want, it usually is a result (if I will honestly evaluate it) of my effort, my attitude, or my perception...not on the action (or inaction) of someone else.

Die to live. Die a little, live better.

What areas of your life do you need to die a little? Make a list. Once you begin to die, you will be begin see victories in areas of your life. These victories will encourage you to have bigger deaths and bigger victories.

"If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me. For...whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it" Jesus Christ

Jesus understood the Paradox Principle. He was the ultimate example of dying to live...Both figuratively and literally. He lead his disciples by serving them. He allows us to live because he died.

Die a little, live better.

What a seemingly absurd statement that might be true. Try it.

The Power of a Compliment

2010-10-03T22:54:00.000-04:00

When was the last time you gave someone a compliment?

Not because of something they just did for you, but just because.

I received a call this week, out of the blue, from a guy that paid me a very flattering compliment. What he said doesn't matter, and that's not the point here. What is the point is how reaffirming it was to me. It validated all the effort and work I have been putting in on a project. Not only did it validate my efforts, it reminded me of why I was doing what I was doing.

We shouldn't do what we do for the compliments. But, it is nice to hear another guy say, "Hey, I've been watching you and I think you are doing a great job. I appreciate what you're doing for me and others!"

I need to do more of that. I need to look for opportunities to compliment other people for things they do everyday…because they want to…because they have to! It should start with Amber and my boys. But, it should reach way beyond family.

The new dad who is struggling to figure out his new life.

The empty nester who is handling his new stage of life with actions that are to be modeled by others and speak deeply of this character.

The new believer who has a passion for the Truth that simply is captivating and inspiring.

As men (we will never admit this), we need the affirmation. Especially the affirmation of other men. We need to know our efforts, actions, and decisions are being noticed. When those efforts, actions and decisions are worthy of praise, we need to hear that. When they aren’t worthy of praise, hopefully we have men in our lives to call us out.

So, here’s the challenge for the week: Be looking out for another guy you can compliment and reaffirm. Maybe it’s the way he treats his wife in public. Or the way he works with his kids. Whatever it is…tell him he’s doing a good job. Tell him to keep it up. Tell him to keep up the good fight. Tell him the effort is worth it!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV): Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…

A Fresh Start

2010-09-30T18:00:00.000-04:00

Well, the blog site got a new coat of paint, a fresh cleaning, and a new address (dustinkaehr.com). With all the cosmetic changes comes a renewed sense of purpose.

I am excited to start Year 2 of Men's Fraternity: Winning At Home & Work. It kicks off October 12 and 16. My goal is to still write about the fatherhood of boys, marriage, etc, but there will be a special focus on the material we will be covering in class.

I want this site to be an encouragement to all dads who read it, but I want it to be especially meaningful to the men who step up to the challenges that Winning will provide. So, with that spirit in mind....

Here we go again!